It’s been coming for a while, but I’m just starting to gear up for the prolonged merry-making of spending the holidays with family. When I think of the holidays, I almost always have strong feelings. Sometimes it feels like I’m on the cusp of a panic attack. Sometimes it is a wonderful, bubbly, giddy feeling. But always strong.

I am very much looking forward to spending time with family, but I’m also very nervous about it.

• What if Peter’s family doesn’t approve of us moving back to Buffalo?
• What if they are unhappy with my “choice” to be on disability leave right now?
• What if I don’t remember things I should or, in public, seem too proud of remembering something?
• What if I just feel out of place or unwanted?
• What if I forget to pack something important?
• What if I don’t leave enough food for the cats?
• What if I don’t leave enough water for the cats?
• What if someone breaks in and the cats aren’t warm enough or are threatened?
• How will Peter and I separate our belongings for the return flights?
• What if Peter doesn’t remember to fill the water bowl in the hall bathroom?
• What if something happens to Peter when we’re apart?
• What if my grandmother dies while I’m in Buffalo, or shortly before we leave?
• How can I stay in my own bedroom without feeling guilty, if my baby brother’s girlfriend will be visiting my parents’ house even longer than I will?
• How can I keep from listening to my parent and siblings talking about each other?
• How can I continue to project an air of someone who is significantly better than I was in June, if I wind up cracking under the stress of all the stuff that’s going on?
• How can I project the air of someone who is in enough pain to be out of work but not so much pain that people need to worry about asking about what I’m up for every hour, on the hour?
• How can I enjoy myself and thoroughly celebrate being alive and loving those around me when all this other crap, and more, is running through my head?

At least I’m learning to communicate a bit better. Last night, I was upset, but rather than hitting my husband with pillows or trying to converse with him after he had fallen asleep or just holding it in, I wrote him an email explaining my feelings and what certain actions, etc, had said to me. He didn’t directly respond, but he was more attentive today, so I think he read it. Additionally, I just found out he has off the 31st and 1st. So, if I feel the need to be home with my husband and cats, where I can begin to just sleep and tackle my life and maybe see Sherlock Holmes with him (again?), my family would understand.

I’ve been packing two weeks’ worth of stuff for a long weekend, so I am going to be using a great deal of restraint when packing for this trip, attempting to remember that, everywhere I go, there is free laundry and the chance to stop at a CVS for anything I’ve forgotten or run out of.

On another note, we were snowed in this weekend. On Saturday afternoon, it was snowing hard and, with over a foot on the ground already, we knew the day would be spent indoors. So I decided to take some holiday photos early that afternoon.

Leela had been curled in a very tight ball on the guest bed and was woken with her bows first. She was affronted and, when I persisted, she got up and ran away. The only time I saw her afterwards, that day, was for a few minutes after I fed her. She’s mostly kept her distance today as well.

Stewie, on the other hand, was sleeping in the middle of our comforter looking oh-so-cozy. I covered him with bows and he purred away as I snapped some pictures as Leela looked on with horror. Then he proceeded to attempt to play with / annihilate the bows. When I took them away, he went back to sleep.

Later that night, I took a picture of our tree. It was going to be a picture of Leela on or by our tree, but she was not cooperative. The gifts underneath are mostly (1) gifts from my parents for Peter, (2) gifts from my parents for me that will be too heavy for me to travel with, (3) gifts from my older brother & his wife, and (4) gifts from me to Peter (his to me will be under there at the last minute, as always).

Our Bedecked Kitty-cats

XMas Tree 2009