I just watched Pixar’s “Up” for the first time, again (since the 1st time was during my ECT, I remembered little more than sobbing through the beginning montage). It can’t help but make me cry – especially after this most recent flare. Let me explain.

The movie is predicated on this Great Love that lasts from childhood through old age and beyond…

When I first saw it, I probably felt two things (1) love for my husband and the hope that it would be that wonderful, and (2) guilt over having been depressed enough to be hospitalized, which I believe hurt him more than he’ll ever say, especially to me.

I still feel that horrible, gnawing guilt over the fact that I thought he, and my other loved ones, but mostly him, would be better off without me in his life, especially if it was deemed an accident, and that they all now know just how selfish I had been.

However, I now feel a second guilt: we aren’t aging together, despite being approximately the same chronological age. At 29.9, my husband is rather healthy, despite untreated allergies, and in relatively good shape while I, at 30.2, I waiver between being a seemingly competent person and a decrepit nearly-bed-ridden crone.

I’ve seen marriages crumble, or at least become very strained, when the age difference suddenly becomes significant and limiting, or one person becomes more disabled than before… The disabled individual, like me, is often humiliated by how much they can’t do (or can’t let themselves do, due to potential consequences) and feels guilty. The younger or non-disabled partner is taking on more and more responsibilities, feeling more pressure at home and work, their recreation is limited as well, and so he or she can be a bit resentful. This leads to tensions and disagreements and miscommunications, or just resentful trudging-through.

So, this time I saw “Up,” I cried because I don’t know if we can have that kind of loving, lasting partnership when I now behave like I’m more than twice his age. I feel as though my only real hope for having a happy, loving, lasting future with the man I love is losing at least 35 lbs over the next year, getting my business running, and personal-training by someone who’s had experience and success with fibromyalgia patients. It may not be true, but it certainly feels that way.

I’m finally feeling better, though. Last weekend, I was basically in bed both days, and was in increasing pain over the course of the week. However, Friday night I slept over 12 hours and then last night I slept 8 hrs and then had two 1-2 hour naps later on today. With this sleep, my skin no longer hurts and I was able to do some cleaning of the kitchen floor, with Peter’s help. Tomorrow, I have my first training appointment, Tuesday, I have a woman from the dachshund rescue coming to do a home visit before approving or denying my application, and then Wednesday, I have a former-tutee-turned-pre-teaching-college-student helping me get my tutoring room together.

This means I’m praying I can get the table down to the rec room and get the first floor and downstairs a little cleaner by the end of this long weekend, with my husband’s help, and still stay relatively low on the pain-scale. We’ll see how that goes.