Equality in a marriage can be difficult to achieve. When children are part of the equation, it’s much easier to set aside the generally selfish desire for procrastination and good-enough for the greater good. However, when children are not part of the equation, both parties avoid confrontation like an overdue-but-still-acceptable-within-the-next-week term paper, and one party has fibromyalgia, it can be much more difficult.

For years, my husband and I have found ways to avoid sucking it up and doing chores that we didn’t feel a pressing need for, like dusting or cleaning the toilet. It can also be very difficult to accept the onus of responsibility for certain chores, since it tends to become Your Job if you do it more than once.

In January 2007, I had my first major, super-duper flare of  fibromyalgia and Peter took up the slack (or, rather, all the chores) while I wore myself out commuting for an hour or two each day and teaching & planning for 10 more hours. Three years later, I go on leave, unable to work due to my fibromyalgia and migraines, but slowly strengthening and rebuilding my body and, as a part of that, taking my life and home back. Our living room is liveable and mostly clutter-free. I have sorted through all the mail from the past 9 months in the kitchen. We cleaned our bedroom, I have cleaned bathrooms, I am organizing “my” room, and I have done many, many, many loads of laundry. In addition, whenever possible, I do all the grocery shopping and errands. So, basically, I do 3 gym visits and 2 home workouts each week and do an errand or chore each day.

Unfortunately, the snow storm has done a great deal to mess up my life. I know, I know, that sounds very dramatic, but I have done yoga nearly every weekday with a DVD (”Healing Yoga for Aches and Pains”), had migraines nearly every day, and gained 4 lbs. To make this worse, although Peter was snowed-in with me most of last week, he spent two hours unburying his car on Tuesday, helped me with cleaning the bedroom Thursday, went to the supermarket with me for one and a half trips (Tuesday and Friday), and went off to play Magic with his friends on Friday evening and all day Sunday (he worked Saturday). He left the dishwasher unloaded many, many times (as though testing me to see if I will take care of it). I was forbidden from trying to unbury my car and Peter did not touch it after his car was free. His newest reason (as of yesterday) was that he wants to use his own shovel, not borrow one (so I searched online, discovered Lowes, Sears, Home Depot, and Target were all out, and ordered one on Amazon to get here by Friday). Monday, I borrowed Peter’s car, did 25 minutes (2.5 miles) on the recumbent elliptical cardio machine at the gym, got the now-crunchy oil and 3 cracking belts changed on Peter’s car, stopped off at Target and picked up some essentials (unfortunately, they refilled the wrong Rx), filled the tank up with gas, came home to unpack and eat lunch, then injured my neck and started a slow leak on Peter’s car trying to get out of his spot (the last burst of snow, he just backed over, but I didn’t enter the spot straight, so…), went to the doctor, worked myself up to talking to Peter about him giving me freedom to use my car or allow me to find and pay someone to dig me out, and then picked up Peter.

By the time Peter came out and got behind the wheel, he had little air in his passenger-side rear tire. After much drama, we were towed and it was patched, it was obvious I didn’t drive on it while it was flat (else it would have been ruined), but I went from feeling empowered to having to apologize over and over for doing nothing but try to work with what I was given (and saving his car from near-engine-failure due to having less than 50% of its required oil and that which was there was not liquid, but when I told him that during the day, he didn’t see why I was hassling him). I refused to drive his car since then and mine is still behind a 4 ft-high, 2-ft-deep wall of snow. This means I didn’t do the Aqua Aerobics I was so looking forward to since the last time I did it, 2 weeks ago, and I didn’t get to visit a church for Ash Wednesday and get a dirty forehead. I am in desperate need for Rx from Target and we need groceries and I should go to my semi-personal training…

But I don’t want to drive his car. The roads are bad enough without the pressure I feel under to keep his car pristine and, although I want groceries, a part of me feels resentful and frustrated by my limitations, the set-back, and the loss of freedom and feeling safe in my car. So maybe I’m projecting, but I also know that Peter didn’t care enough to make himself uncomfortable in order to give me freedom in a timely fashion. I understand not going out for Valentine’s Day, and not getting a card or flowers… I understand receiving just a good time together for our anniversary. Money’s tight, we’ve been spending plenty of time together… But… Well, sex isn’t the only way you can show affection, and I feel like he’s not trying. (As for that, I’ve been trying to send out signals, but -based on his responses during my impending and then very very short period- it appears that he is only interested if intercourse is possible.) So what was I hoping for? He could have done some of the unsanitary laundry (Stewie was using old laundry as a litterbox). He could have done a little to make my car easier to access, if not drive. He could have shoveled behind and around where he parks, so it’s less tricky. He could have given me a foot massage or given me time to mess with my RockBand avatar and practice before we started playing together. I had a card for him (a general I-Love-You, not specifically V-Day), but I never bothered to fill it out when I saw his attitude Saturday night and Sunday morning.

I know my being home puts additional pressure on Peter to stay employed. However, I continue to receive a paycheck, and I have a very specific set of plans for the future in order to make money and receive disability benefits if possible. Maybe he can help me do the laundry, or clean the area around the kitchen sink, or give me some cash (I have none right now) so I can either pay someone to dig out my car or get a taxi ride. Or maybe he can call the psych group and have them give him an appointment for individual counselling so he might start to be content.

I know that what I really want is to ***POOF*** get my body back to a reasonable weight (sub-140) and have the physical ability to work out the way I want to. I want to teach and then come home and do very little in order to make the house gorgeous and then sit back in my organized, gorgeous, comfy room. I want to be able to enjoy my husband and have him enjoy me. I want to be able to get pregnant and enjoy that pregnancy and then that baby and then, a year or two later, get pregnant again. I want a family and a life. But between migraines, fibro pain, and transport issues, I’m currently living the life of a shut-in (but without the perks of the occasional visitor). 

But right now, just asking for a balance of household responsibilities, and the occasional ”Thank you, I know X was a pain in the butt, so I really appreciate you taking the time and energy to do it,”  is what I need to do…

I have come to realize that one of the largest issues with harmoniously living together and cleaning up both the house and my car is dealing with “my room.” You see, the townhome we own has 4 bedrooms: one is the master bedroom, one is the guest/cats’ room, one is Peter’s man-cave, and the fourth is my room, an office/reflection room which was to hold all my toys and educational materials and give me somewhere to sit and quietly read. The feminine version of a man-cave.

In the summer of 2008, I cleaned it up and organized it and began to use it again. But once I got a full-time job doing curriculum work, it once again became a dumping ground.

I’ve been finding quite often that I wish I could have somewhere to go and read, or just remove myself from the living room but not hang out in the bedroom (where I’d inevitably fall asleep). Furthermore, because I don’t have a room of my own to go to, Peter’s activities seem to be cramped by my taking over the living room.

Although I could probably sit in the chair by the window in my room, entering the room and maneuvering around in it is quite hazardous to my health. It’s not that it would take more than a couple of hours to clear up, but then I have more stuff that needs to go in, and a lot of it is on-the-floor work, and it does involve moving some heavy stuff. Also, some things need decisions to be made about them, and some things need to be stored (else I’ll need another bookcase). Then there are the things in my car and in the kitchen, all of which would need to be gone through and possibly would belong in my room. Perhaps I can have a bookcase and storage of some sort in the rec room in the basement, where things could go without being “dumped” there.

Regardless, I cannot physically do this on my own. In fact, in order to remove the table from my room and bring it downstairs (which I’d hoped the burly 1-800-GOT-JUNK would do, along with moving the romance novels and bookcases into the basement, when we decided on a date and I properly prepared for it… but the next day it was sprung upon me with no notice, and I just occasionally hope that this part of my walker or that large gold-framed mirror were not taken).

I find myself looking at various rooms and considering tasks, but discarding them because (1) too much physical labor is involved, (2) I can’t do it alone, or (3) I worry a large part of the task would involve putting items in a room that can’t fit anything.

So, I’m going to selfishly ignore the kitchen and our bedroom and the guest room and everything else (just trying to maintain the living room) and focus on doing a tiny bit in my room each day. I assume that, once I’ve organized to a certain point, Peter will help me out if I can say definitively and concisely what should be moved elsewhere (with a plan for storing/organizing it), what can be thrown out or donated, and what I need help putting away.

However, I’m on my own with going through it. My husband won’t help me, no matter how I ask. My mother will only help by hiring help – I begged her several times in the summer and fall to come help me, but she was overwhelmed by my brother’s move and the holidays and now just either offers to hire someone or argues about my husband not helping and has even asked me to help her go through my grandmother’s stuff. Oddly enough, my older sister is the only person I can think of who might be able and willing to pick up and come down and help… in fact, my car would probably wind up empty & clean, but it would probably all wind up in the basement, and I don’t know if she’d be able to help me sort my stuff or understand saving this item or that book…  but I am definitely keeping her in mind if it’s March and I still don’t have an empty car.

In any event, I’m focusing on my stuff and my room and the rest can just wait. After all, once my room is in order, I can decide what to do with other items (although now I’m definitely thinking a giant bookcase in the rec room with inexpensive cubby-bins would be awesome). This also will give me something to focus on that doesn’t get edited depending on whether we’re moving this summer or next.

I’m off to Amazon.com now to research inexpensive big bookcases and cubbies.

Since I’ve been having trouble sleeping, I decided to try doing a little more (or at least keep doing). So I’m doing at least 1 chore each day.

Yesterday, I took care of all the shoes all over the house. Out-of-season or rarely-worn shoes are in the new shoe-cubbies in the basement. Flats and some of my fanciest shoes are in my closet. Sneakers and a couple of booties are in the coat closet. I also washed all the dirty white clothing we have in the house – 3 loads! I also chose a dress and jewelry for next Friday’s black-tie-optional dinner (which I didn’t know was dress-necessitatingly dressy until last night).

Today I stopped at Target for something very simple: one prescription, as well as a wrap and clutch with a color that popped (wound up being scarlet) and black hose. I was there for 2 hours and then in traffic (mostly in the parking lot) for another half-hour. I got batteries for the last of the holiday decorations, a belt, shapewear, some socks that actually fit, Pepsi, gift-wrapping paraphernalia, etc. When I got home, I put stuff away, finished decorating, tried on the shapewear and belt (looked better without), and was absolutely exhausted. I wound up falling asleep before Peter got home briefly before he went to play Magic: The Gathering. I woke up 3 hours later, but now I worry I won’t sleep at bedtime (although I must say my neck and head hurt like all heck).

Now the question is, am I being inactive enough? I mean, I need to take it easy so that I can get better, but I do need to do enough that I sleep at night. Plus, did you see that list I wrote?! There’s so very, very much, that doing one thing each weekday still won’t get everything done AND each thing only takes roughly an hour AND doing these things both removes stress from my life and keeps me from going stir crazy. So am I really doing that much? Maybe I should ask that on an evening when I’m hurting a little less…

Each day I choose a task that is my goal and wind up getting something else done in the process (hopefully). So here is a list of all the tasks ahead of me. Note that any actual cleaning will be done by myself and professionals starting after the new year; this is just to get everything in order. And, yes, Peter will help with much of the heavy work. But a lot of this he just doesn’t have the patience for.

Living Room

1. Put away shoes
2. Get rid of teacher/grading paraphernalia
3. Sort through boxes and either toss their contents or store them properly
4. Clear off coffee table
5. Clear off couch and electronics on side table
6. Empty the book bins and sort books (save/toss)

Kitchen (food prep area)

1. Put away shoes
2. Get recyclable boxes outside
3. Clear off counter across from appliances
4. Clear off counter between two sections of kitchen

Kitchen (dining area)

1. Purchase appropriate paperwork boxes for bills, important papers, and statements
2. Sort through mail into garbage, math teacher digests, bills, important papers, and statements
3. Put everything that’s on the floor (shoes, bags, etc) somewhere they belong
4. Clear out sideboard – put paperwork into large plastic bins, in basement, and put china into the cabinet
5. Clean and tidy textiles

“My Room”

1. Clear off floor by desk
2. Get table and sewing items down into basement
3. Clear off desk
4. Clear floor by table
5. Repeat as other items find their way in

Master Bedroom

1. Remove clothing from floor and under bed
2. Clean floor
3. Bring 1 laundry sorter back in
4. Lower bed
5. Introduce artwork or mirror
6. Improve lighting

Master Bath

1. Scrub around tub and remove all mildew
2. Caulk where needed
3. Clear counter
4. Clean around sink
5. Clean towels

Guest Bath

1. Throw out unnecessary cosmetics & organize the rest
2. Only keep handy the everyday cosmetics
3. Clean towels

Guest Bedroom

1. Make sure guest bed is made with clean linen
2. Move litterbox to less stressful part of room
3. Move luggage to basement.

Basement

1. Clean area on/around washing machine
2. Get rid of empty containers and bring down blue waste basket for lint.
3. Wash & pack away laundry that is to be one day
4. Wash laundry that is currently in use

Deck

1. Bring chair pads inside & clean them

Today I woke up and showered and dressed, then came downstairs to be shouted at by Stewie. Or, more appropriately, he shouted at me and then shouted at the doorway to the kitchen and back again. Apparently, he viewed the kitchen to be unsafe. It quickly became clear that there was water dripping from the ceiling, just inside the door, next to where the bath tub above is. A plumber visited and informed me that it will cost $3000 to repair it (well, $2800, but I assume something extra will be needed). Goody. Luckily, I was already planning on making a call to get some money from my nest egg, and now when we sell we can say we have an updated master bath.

In the time between calling the plumber and seeing him, I stayed quite busy. Remember all those gifts that I ordered on Saturday? Well, they’ve started to come in… Each in its own box. So far, I’ve received all the pet gifts (4 cats and 2 dogs), my older brother’s gift, the gift for my brother-in-law-in-law, and 1 gift for Peter.

So what did I do? I opened and checked all the packages and then created an Excel spreadsheet detailing what I ordered and for whom, where I ordered each item from, where they were being delivered, and whether they have been received. I also tracked down Stewie and put the anti-stress collar on him that had arrived with the pet gifts, as well as plugging in the anti-stress room diffuser for cats.

Yeah, I’m totally normal.

Anyways, today’s goal was to Deck the Tree (which was still up from last year, but not decorated). There were a huge number of boxes surrounding the Christmas tree, so I checked their contents and set them aside as either basement-ready or garbage. Then, I got a tree skirt and star from JCPenney at 60% off and put up many of the ornaments I’d ordered last year. Peter’s reaction, when asked? It looks fine. Ahhhh, 3 hours of hard work paid off.

So, the result of today’s hard work: you can see and appreciate the tree, but the kitchen is a disaster. We have boxes everywhere. I feel like we’re drowning in them. Most of that is because we have nowhere to put my stuff. So, do I take all my stuff and just throw them in my room until I’m ready to deal with my room, or do I clean my room and then clean the kitchen?  The latter makes more sense, but the former immediately helps both my husband and myself and our quality of life. So guess which one I’ll start doing tomorrow…