I promised my doctor that I would begin posting a journal entry every day, at least monitoring my wellness: depression, anxiety, pain, tiredness/energy, level of activity, and WW points consumed. So I will begin doing that as soon as possible. I’ve only just started looking for a good widget for WordPress.

Unfortunately, yesterday afternoon I was busy getting my interim grades in. They were makeshift, classwork-only grades, but that is all I could do in one night and all I am legally permitted to do as of this morning. With help from my husband, I was able to grade everything done with the subs (that had been collected) and thus grades were in and I went to bed before 1am.

So, the first weight off my mind is this: grades are in and I am not legally allowed to worry or dabble in work except, perhaps, to check my email.

What else is up? Well, Christmas is around the corner. Literally. So, on Saturday, I procrastinated grading by attacking Amazon.com, Overstock.com, and Novica.com to get gifts for: 2 parents, 2 parents-in-law, 2 brothers (+1 birthday), 2 sisters-in-law, 1 half-sister, 1 brother-in-law-in-law,  1 niece (+birthday), 2 nephews (+ 1 birthday), 1 close friend, 4 cats, 2 dogs, and 1 for the family gift exchange. I also stuck to only 4 presents (under $100 total) for my husband and kept everyone else under $20 per present.

So, the second weight off my mind is that I am done holiday gift-shopping.

The most important weight off my mind, however, is the most major concern I’d been having earlier: the d-word. After an awkward Saturday morning, I spoke with my husband and discovered he had no clue what he had actually said when we’d talked that fateful evening. He reassured me that yes, of course, he sometimes feels trapped. That’s natural. He still feels that we need couple’s counseling, but does not feel ready to discuss separation. We are both going to work hard to be a real couple and share each other’s lives. My getting a life, and having the energy to do things and be a helpmate rather than just a burden, will be a part of that. We even made love in the middle of the night last night, for the first time in waaaaay too long (well over a month) and I don’t plan for it to be the only time this week

So the third and final weight is that my husband and I are working on our marriage/partnership, rather than working on a separation.

Of course, out with the old, in with the new… Now that those weights left my shoulders, a few hovering birds have perched:

1. Finances and paperwork: it will take time, but I can help it out by slowly chipping away at it, doing what I can when I can, cutting out some costs and dipping into the money that has recently been regained in my nest egg. I’ll soon be cutting-out my cell’s data plan and my laptop wireless-anywhere connection and shopping at the supermarket regularly so we eat out far, far less.
2. Combatting depression: I’m going to have to set goals for each day and rules, such as only allowing myself 2 hrs of TV before 4pm. This will include a list of choices of recreational activities and a HUGE checklist of small tasks I can do with minimal pain, and forcing myself to do at least 1 task each day. Tomorrow, the task is to uncover and decorate the Christmas tree. I will also see my doctors regularly and remember to shower, dress, and take my AM meds as soon as I wake up.
3. Getting healthy: I will be using the WiiFit, other active Wii games, “Sit and Be Fit” DVD, or taking walks every single day – at least 30 minutes of activity in groups no smaller than 10 minutes. I will eat within my daily points allowance. I will chew gum or drink no-points, no-caffeine beverages when I feel an urge to nosh.

I’d like to set a routine for myself, but I don’t want to feel obligated to sleep more/less than I feel the need to on any particular day or set myself up for failure, so a list of tasks to check off and required activities seems to be the best bet.

Although I rarely curse, I think it’s fair to say that I am currently treading the locus of all points where several shit-storms converge.

Thanksgiving had been an interesting holiday. After spending Wednesday seeing my rheumatologist, packing, and picking up provisions, I was rushed into the car with my husband. The Thanksgiving meal was nice and it was great to see my baby brother, as well as my friend Jessi and her family, but I wound up having to take a nap first. Afterwards, my father and I had a long talk about my relationship with my father’s other daughter and our feelings about my younger brother, who died of SIDS when I was 5. Needless to say, a lot of crying occurred. The next day, my older brother visited with his wife and children and I had a sudden attack that appears to have been both a migraine and explosive diarrhea. But 4 hours later, I was okay to join the family and we had a few spectacular hours together. That night, my husband went to bed without saying anything first and I had some time with my parents and “baby” brother (he may be 22 and making a ridiculous amount of money, but he’s my baby brother).  I assured them we wouldn’t leave until I was sure the diarrhea was gone. The next morning, my husband pretty much rushed us out so we could get home to MD by the nightfall, so I didn’t get to spend much relaxing time with my family, but I’ll see them after Christmas, when I visit alone (his family gets us for Christmas, but schools always have off the week before New Years, unlike typical jobs, so I’ve always had time to visit).

Thanksgiving was a wake-up call for several truths:

1. I adore my family (my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-law, my niece and nephews, and yes, my best friend and her parents, too), and wish we all lived within a half-hour drive of each other.
2. Unlike my older brother, my half-sister is very aware of that “half”-status, and at best loves me in her way and has no idea what to do with me and at worst thinks of me as my mother’s daughter more often than not, whenever she does think of me.
3. My fibromyalgia is Out Of Control.
4. My husband and I are no longer a team. In fact, we are each coming to resent each other, partially because neither of us is truly willing to live with my current limitations. However, he has a choice.

That being said, I come home and shortly after discover the ramifications and start to form a plan. There is no choice now, I need to go on disability leave. However, my job isn’t protected under FMLA because I haven’t been working in this school district for at least a year. So, I can get 4/5 of my current salary, with full health benefits, if they keep me on until I get better enough to return, using the Sick Leave Bank (although that’s a big IF and there are significant drawbacks). Or, I can get 1/4 of my current salary through disability insurance if I lose my job and will have to get insurance through my husband. This all means that I’ll have to draw from my nest-egg and/or begin to sell higher-$ things that would cost more to move, like my piano or some book cases or our barely-used table-and-chairs from the kitchen in our Rochester, NY home. Also, the sooner we sell and move, the better; it costs less to live in western-NY than it does to live here, and maybe a 4-bedroom home just isn’t necessary.

After a little chat with my husband one evening, when I just out and said, “Okay, if you feel trapped with me and you want out of this relationship, just say so. A divorce won’t kill me – I can handle it.” His eventual reply was that maybe we can try counseling first. Since then, we still sleep in the same bed and he can still see my fat ass naked. However, we barely talk except to argue or apologize for rudeness, and I’m mentally thinking about how we can divide our possessions and wondering when he’ll decide to sleep in the guest room and how soon he’ll move to Buffalo so I can either downsize or move entirely to NY. I even accidentally got into a conversation that turned into an ex-spouse, breakup discussion that basically came down to one thing: be straight-forward, honest, and timely about it and then there won’t be as many hurt feelings. This teacher had gotten a triple, non-reversible vasectomy because his wife didn’t want to be on the pill anymore and her health coverage through the army only did this kind of vasectomy, which followed intensive, expensive counseling to ensure both were okay with the decision and planning on staying together. Within 3 weeks of the procedure, she asked for a divorce. That’s just cruel. Along not-so-severe lines, I’d rather just know that my husband was not supportive of my situation and would just do what he could, than have hurt and insult and blame stacking up until there was an explosion. At the same time, we have been together for over 10 years and married for nearly 6 years; we have two 7.5-year-old cats together. It will be hard when we’ve basically become adults together.

I do have some supportive friends and a very supportive family and my bosses just laid out that I need to leave completely until I can be back completely. I’ve found a new psychologist for myself, since my current psych was not working out for me (he asked me after I poured out all that I’ve been dealing with, “So what do you want from me?” and this was the first time I’d seen him in a month, because I’d had trouble getting in touch with him and making an appointment). After our next session, he’ll determine the best couple’s therapist for me and I’ll make an appointment with the psychiatrist in his group as well – they all discuss what’s going on with their patients and make a plan together, so that will be good.

Oddly, I don’t feel depressed so much as I feel down. I don’t feel hopeless and helpless. I just feel like life is sucking right now and I need to start approaching my life differently. My goal for this leave is to stop sticking my head in the sand being a workaholic/sleepaholic (I work 11 hrs, relax 2 hrs, sleep 11 hrs) and actually work on having a life that I can balance my work with. I want to start reading again, play more piano, write, and work on being a better friend/sister/daughter/aunt, etc…  “Wife” had been at the front of that list of better roles, but I’ll just try to pull my weight and work on myself and maybe our relationship will improve with that.