EDITED: Since writing this, this thought was firmly removed from rotation and I no longer feel as strongly.

Late at night, I get thoughts that swirl around and around in my head. My psychiatrist said it could be AD(H)D rather than OCD, but I really think it’s boredom. I don’t get my thoughts out very often and there are very few things to think about, or be bothered by that I can’t make a list and just deal with slowly-but-surely.

However, there has been one very familially-socially-destructive set of thoughts that is firmly in the rotation: my relatively new, negative feelings toward my sister-in-law.

It could be because she’s extremely attractive and fit (she’s always been in that popular “beautiful-and-intelligent-enough-and-very-hardworking-jock” group, as opposed to the “non-preppy-overly-bright-too-honors-student-enjoying-dorky-things-too-much-to-be-popular-regardless-of-attractiveness” group that her brother and I were in). It could be because she’s going into what is my family’s Family Business. But, honestly, I overlooked and/or embraced those things long ago. It’s mostly because one of the very things that defines her character is the very thing that I cannot comprehend or accept because it is the antithesis of what I feel we are all put on this Earth for. (No, she doesn’t kill kittens.) She’s extremely self-absorbed, often to the exclusion of all others, including her sibling, unless their thoughts/feelings/opinions/actions directly affect her.

Approximately four weeks have passed since my last post and so very much is milling around my mind to write about that I am writing this post just to recognize all that I will talk about when I can:

• The bathroom is finished. Finally. It’s beautiful and not completely moved into yet, but being fully used. It was completed Friday night, at 11pm on the 23rd, and we began to use it Sunday evening. I will be fully accustomed to it after everything has been put away for a while… so, in a month or so.

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  
• The front of our home is no longer a jungle. Perhaps over-pruned, but I can plant at my leisure. It was a gift from my mom.
• L.A. was wonderful. We had really needed to get away from life and enjoy ourselves. I enjoyed connecting with my brother and even got to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and find out just how very much we both have in common (poor guy). It was also wonderful getting to know Grandma Susie better and meeting Grandpa Bernie and their dog, Patsy, for the first time. Since Grandpa Bernie is extremely hard-of-hearing and is not connected to the internet, I have purchased stationery so that I can correspond with him by letter writing. Seeing my in-laws was also nice, although some comments from my husband’s sister went beyond her usual unthinkingly-self-involved zings into personally-cruel territory and I was very proud of myself for neither physically nor verbally attacking her (or even commenting on it to her). The call-her-on-it-and-get-into-a-hysterical-argument gene comes from both sides of my family on X chromosomes (and appears to only get diluted if a Y chromosome is present), as my little brother pointed out, which made me feel even prouder. Someone must have made her more aware of her need to be a little more sensitive, because she didn’t say anything rude at me after that. Overall, it was a wonderful place to visit, and I wish we could fold the globe into the 4th dimension so I could visit my adoptive grandparents and my baby brother far more often, but I would not want to live in a plastic, prop-filled world.
• I’m trying to get my business of the ground. The website is live and it has a facebook page. I have people saying they will send business my way (including the admissions director of a private school for LD students, a parent of two former students, another parent of a summer student, and the head of a local psych group). I have a now-clean rec room with attached powder room that now has matching “powder room” and “laundry room” signs so those doors can stay closed, a soon-to-be-assembled book shelf and computer desk, a printer stand/filing cabinet, a printer/copier/scanner, a soon-to-be-hooked-up computer and soon-to-be-delivered comfy waiting area furniture. A table upstairs will be brought down for tutoring purposes. The kitchen floor is now clear of boxes and junk and soon the surfaces will be too, so that I can advertise to neighbors a low-cost 3pm-5pm homework help time (to drum up business and make nice with them).
• I’m doing eDiets home-delivery to get rid of a chunk of weight. They guarantee 10 lbs in 5 weeks. In addition, I’ve joined the local gyms and pools, which was a package deal that also gives me more access to community events and activities (to shmooze and make friends). Just spending the past week preparing for the diet has had me lose 1.2 lbs.
• I want a dog. Peter does not. The best reason he has is that my health may one day improve greatly, making FT work possible, which is not conducive to dog-ownership. However, I know a dog would get me walking several times a day, every day, and we could get well or be ill together… I am hoping to foster a senior/adult dachshund. Peter thinks bringing anyone new into the household would be hard on the cats. But me being alone all day and dependent on Peter for amusement (as well as every project that I do, which all seem to involve heavy lifting to some degree) is hard on everyone. Also, doing obedience or agility or just a dog park with the dog would be another way to meet people. Since the summer is a slow time for tutors AND I’m limiting myself to 2 hrs/day of work, and I need an interactive project to keep me from obsessing over buying stuff or food or whatever else I could possibly obsess about, and I’m so incredibly lonely, I think this is the perfect solution.  So, I’m filling out long online paperwork, hoping a good match is out there and that Peter will give in if the house is clean enough and he’s getting enough of what he wants. We’ll talk about it seriously during our couple’s-counseling session Monday (along with the fact that we BOTH HATE that I am so dependent on him to do things that will enable my projects, so I don’t push, but it hurts me when he shows such disinterest in helping with getting my business started or clearing out communal space when I’ve already put a lot of work into it, but he needs some down time and relaxation time because he does work a 40-hr week, which is also why I am okay with him spending so very much time out of the house playing Magic: The Gathering with his friends, even though I am desperate for attention), and he’ll see this sometime before then so it won’t blind-side him.

So, that’s about it. A lot going on, all in a tiny span of time and all making laps around the inside of my tiny, youth-hat-sized skull.

The way in which people love one another is as interesting and diverse as how they show their love.

Some people love in an abstract sort of way. I’m related to you, so I love you. But when it comes between their own comfort or routine and the more distant needs of that relative, the urgency would have to be great to impel them to do something outside that comfort zone.

Some people love so thoroughly it’s almost smothering, but very comforting. They want to be there for you so much that they practically want to crawl inside your skin and be there with you through the big and little ups and downs of every single day.

Some people love with their whole hearts and it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you’ve seen or spoken to one another. There’s just always that instant connection of love and togetherness, a bond that just strengthens as you grow. If you need them they will drop everything, and vice versa.

Some people love insecurely, constantly afraid something could happen that would shatter the relationship.

Some people love with small gestures and just sharing their lives each day, being there for the ups and downs and the boring sameness that is most days.

They say animals can give unconditional love. Every day at 4:30 is a special time when the usually-self-contained Leela (who is more attached to Peter than myself) demands loving attention from me. When I sleep in, I also often find Leela curled up next to or on me. Stewie (who attached himself to me as a kitten) has a very needy, but companionable, love. When he gets cuddly, he will look up at me like I’m his world. When he isn’t feeling cuddly, but senses my need for it, he will curl up on the couch just barely within reach or stretch out on the ottoman. When I’m up late, he comes down with me, occasionally yelling at me to get to bed, and then eventually follows me back upstairs.

It’s amazing how many more ways people love that I didn’t even mention. But then, everyone and every interpersonal relationship is different.

Had God given me a loving, supportive family,
But had I not inherited their advantages,
It would have been enough for me. Dienu.

Had He given me my family’s advantages,
But had I not inherited their quirks,
It would have been enough for me. Dienu.

Had He given me my family’s quirks,
But not the wisdom with which to use them,
It would have been enough for me. Dienu.

Had He given me the ability to use my genes to advantage,
But not the appreciation of how we interact,
It would have been enough for me. Dienu.

Had He given me an appreciation of our interactions,
But had not given me loving, supportive siblings with whom to share life,
It would have been enough for me. Dienu.

Had He given me loving, supportive siblings with whom to share life,
But had not blessed me with a loving, understanding, appreciative husband,
It would have been enough for me. Dienu.

Had He given me a loving, understanding, appreciative husband,
But had that husband not come with a wonderfully loving family of his own,
It would have been enough for me. Dienu.

Had He given me a wonderfully loving family-in-law,
But had they not had blessings and quirks they had shared with my husband,
It would have been enough for me. Dienu.

Had He given me a husband with inherited blessings and quirks of his own,
But had his family not loved and supported me as one of their own,
It would have been enough for me. Dienu.

Had he given me a family-in-law that loves and supports me as one of their own,
But not given me a second chance at life and love,
It would have been enough for me. Dienu.

But God has given me a loving, supportive family,
And He has given me my family’s advantages,
And He has given me my family’s quirks,
And He has given me the ability to use my genes to advantage,
And He has given me an appreciation of our interactions,
And He has given me loving, supportive siblings with whom to share life,
And He has given me a loving, understanding, appreciative husband,
And He has given me a wonderfully loving family-in-law,
And He has given my husband inherited blessings and quirks of his own,
And He has given me a family-in-law that loves and supports me as one of their own,
And He has given me a second chance at life and love,
And for all of that, I am truly grateful and strive to be a better me.

My mother visited this week. She arrived Sunday, Pi Day, the day after my 30th birthday, and stayed until this evening. Almost exactly 5 full days of being silly, eating delicious food, reminiscing, and – oh yeah – tons and tons of cleaning up my life.

Monday, my mother and I cleaned out my study (and what had spilled into the hall). Even the books that I was planning to bring downstairs, she brought downstairs. It was amazing, the lifting and carrying – and this was only the beginning! The only mess left over is the paperwork and CDs and such on my desk, and the table is still up there but, for now, it’s welcome.

Tuesday, we cleaned all my stuff out of my classroom. It was stressful and sad, and it was so much easier having my mom with me. Then we went to the mall, checked out Nordstrom’s, bought some little things at Sephora and got my birthday gift, and… we purchased new eyeglasses! I know that doesn’t sound huge, but if you wear glasses every day and haven’t gotten a new pair in 4 years, it’s a big deal. I got the same shape I had before, but in blue with some silver accents. My mother got a pair, too: wire-rimmed tortoiseshell glasses that are very round on bottom and somewhat round on top. She says they’re Daniel Jackson from “Stargate: SG1″ glasses, not Harry Potter glasses. My first reaction was that they looked silly, but I got used to them quickly and they look very nice on her oval face.

Daniel Jackson from Stargate: SG1

Wednesday, my mother and I tackled the bathroom renovation. We first visited a high-end tile store and found a perfect tile for the shower and floor and a mosaic tile I really liked, too. They gave us a sample of the tile and we went to Home Depot to look at pre-assembled vanities and linen cabinets, as well as prefabricated counters. Not only did we find them in clearance, but they were just perfect for the tile and the room.

cabinetry

Then, we found tiles that were the same color for 1/5 the price and a similar, but less dark, mosaic tile! It took hours and I was exhausted and just sat down in pain half-way through, but the comparing of similar tiles, selecting the edging tile (which is marble), and just finding what I was hoping for was sooooo worth it, and it would have taken me weeks and left me feeling dissatisfied if I hadn’t had my mother with me.

Due to my pain and flagging energy, I asked my mom to stay an extra day so we could actually spend time enjoying each other and doing things at a more leisurely pace. Luckily, she could stay! So, Thursday, we went sneaker shopping and my mother spent nearly an hour taking every single box and bag and random piece of clothing out of my car and down into the basement, where I will be setting up a room for tutoring and waiting (for parents) / game-playing (for friends who we have over).

I have been driving around with 2 classrooms and 1 cubicle in my car since leaving my PT job tutoring special needs college students in October 2008 for an “amazing” opportunity to head up math curriculum for a national virtual charter school (an alternative to, or version of, homeschooling). I have felt homeless and embarrassed of my situation and it (along with my study) was an albatross I dragged around for years, adding to it, letting it spill into my kitchen to make room for groceries…

I can’t even put into words the freedom and hope my mother has given me, just by helping me with all this. I can totally handle the other projects in my life now that this has been sorted out and dealt with. The bathroom stuff was fun and helpful, but the cleaning up of my – well, of my life, really – was such an incredible weight off my shoulders, I get teary just thinking about it. I feel such hope about being a functioning professional special ed math tutor, with room to have a personal life.

Thursday afternoon and Friday, my mother and I just had fun and watched some episodes of “The Big Bang Theory,” including the newish episode of Sheldon getting stuck trying to solve a problem involving electrons moving through a graphite surface (I believe), the episode in which Penny dislocates her shoulder and Sheldon drives her to the hospital, and the episode in which Leonard’s mom first comes to visit.

I dropped her off at the local Amtrak, but I miss her already. Yes, having a close friend nearby would be nice, but it wouldn’t take the place of the wonderfulness of a visit from my mommy. I wish we could just spend a day together every week, or a weekend each month. However, I still haven’t managed to fold the Earth into the 4th dimension so that travel time would be inconsequential. Unfortunately, we’re both on our best behavior, because visits are rare…We love each other, but we can drive each other bananas. If we lived near each other, tears would be shed, neither of our husbands would be able to put up living with us, and killing sprees might not be an impossibility.

So, thanks to my mother, who cleaned up my study, my classroom, my car, and filled my basement (and my husband, who cleaned up my computer and loves all of me, including my craziness), I now start my 4th decade full of hope and excitement over all the possibilities.