I feel pretty crummy, but I don’t know what’s wrong. I just don’t feel quite right. I had to cancel today’s appointment with my personal trainer and tomorrow’s shopping outing. I figure, if I feel this horrible with nothing tangible attached (other than a vague “creaky” feeling, which would feel better if I just exercised a little), I won’t get better overnight.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been sleeping so poorly: I can’t get comfortable enough to fall asleep at a reasonable hour (after plenty of winding down and rituals and lavender-and-chamomile scentedness), I can only sleep when I’m absolutely exhausted and, then, I keep waking up at least every hour.  Even naps have been sucking big sweaty donkey balls. My doctor suggested having a set nightly bedtime and moving to the guest room as soon as I start having trouble. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that’s where the litterbox is and it would be easier to try to convince my husband to sleep there (which we’d both hate – I cherish the 5.3 minutes of quiet talking before he is suddenly unconscious, and he cherishes the soft mattress, many pillows, and the freedom of having a boobie within arm’s reach all night).

I’m back to the level of non-conscious bodily discomfort I was at months ago, where I start feeling nauseous until I realize I have to use the bathroom and I’m having trouble maintaining my body temperature (I feel hot-cold-hot-cold-hot…).

Maybe I’m sick. Maybe it’s a UTI. Maybe I need more/better sleep. Maybe I just need some not-overly-strenuous exercise.

But right now, I’m finally feeling nauseous enough to want to use the bathroom and then make my way to bed. And poor Stewie’s finally so comfortable in my lap. Oh, well – life’s hard for a pimp-cat.

I’m starting to stress out over bringing a foster dog into my home, especially after reading “Dachshunds for Dummies”.

Today, the vet said it’s very possible the cats might get very stressed out. Although Leela handled it well, I don’t know if Stewie will. But I hope so.

My baby brother thinks it’s a mistake and will drain me.

What if it’s a destructive, stubborn dog that’s hard to housebreak and barks constantly?
What if it’s a sweetheart and just needs love and understanding and patience?
What if it’s both?

What if I don’t foster a dog? I’m pretty sure I’ll go insane over this summer, being alone all day with only having my husband for company most evenings and some days on the weekend. Even the cats are upstairs asleep all day and get very irritated if I try to engage them.

But I adore my kitties (they’re my babies!) and I would never, ever wish them a moment of harm unless there were a greater good that came of it… like an uncomfortable shot, or the potential for them and a doggie having a big cuddle all together.

I also need to continue to get better, and if fostering a dog drains me too much, I won’t be ready to work  2-4 hrs every day in the fall.

Decisions! They suck.

Approximately four weeks have passed since my last post and so very much is milling around my mind to write about that I am writing this post just to recognize all that I will talk about when I can:

• The bathroom is finished. Finally. It’s beautiful and not completely moved into yet, but being fully used. It was completed Friday night, at 11pm on the 23rd, and we began to use it Sunday evening. I will be fully accustomed to it after everything has been put away for a while… so, in a month or so.

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  
• The front of our home is no longer a jungle. Perhaps over-pruned, but I can plant at my leisure. It was a gift from my mom.
• L.A. was wonderful. We had really needed to get away from life and enjoy ourselves. I enjoyed connecting with my brother and even got to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and find out just how very much we both have in common (poor guy). It was also wonderful getting to know Grandma Susie better and meeting Grandpa Bernie and their dog, Patsy, for the first time. Since Grandpa Bernie is extremely hard-of-hearing and is not connected to the internet, I have purchased stationery so that I can correspond with him by letter writing. Seeing my in-laws was also nice, although some comments from my husband’s sister went beyond her usual unthinkingly-self-involved zings into personally-cruel territory and I was very proud of myself for neither physically nor verbally attacking her (or even commenting on it to her). The call-her-on-it-and-get-into-a-hysterical-argument gene comes from both sides of my family on X chromosomes (and appears to only get diluted if a Y chromosome is present), as my little brother pointed out, which made me feel even prouder. Someone must have made her more aware of her need to be a little more sensitive, because she didn’t say anything rude at me after that. Overall, it was a wonderful place to visit, and I wish we could fold the globe into the 4th dimension so I could visit my adoptive grandparents and my baby brother far more often, but I would not want to live in a plastic, prop-filled world.
• I’m trying to get my business of the ground. The website is live and it has a facebook page. I have people saying they will send business my way (including the admissions director of a private school for LD students, a parent of two former students, another parent of a summer student, and the head of a local psych group). I have a now-clean rec room with attached powder room that now has matching “powder room” and “laundry room” signs so those doors can stay closed, a soon-to-be-assembled book shelf and computer desk, a printer stand/filing cabinet, a printer/copier/scanner, a soon-to-be-hooked-up computer and soon-to-be-delivered comfy waiting area furniture. A table upstairs will be brought down for tutoring purposes. The kitchen floor is now clear of boxes and junk and soon the surfaces will be too, so that I can advertise to neighbors a low-cost 3pm-5pm homework help time (to drum up business and make nice with them).
• I’m doing eDiets home-delivery to get rid of a chunk of weight. They guarantee 10 lbs in 5 weeks. In addition, I’ve joined the local gyms and pools, which was a package deal that also gives me more access to community events and activities (to shmooze and make friends). Just spending the past week preparing for the diet has had me lose 1.2 lbs.
• I want a dog. Peter does not. The best reason he has is that my health may one day improve greatly, making FT work possible, which is not conducive to dog-ownership. However, I know a dog would get me walking several times a day, every day, and we could get well or be ill together… I am hoping to foster a senior/adult dachshund. Peter thinks bringing anyone new into the household would be hard on the cats. But me being alone all day and dependent on Peter for amusement (as well as every project that I do, which all seem to involve heavy lifting to some degree) is hard on everyone. Also, doing obedience or agility or just a dog park with the dog would be another way to meet people. Since the summer is a slow time for tutors AND I’m limiting myself to 2 hrs/day of work, and I need an interactive project to keep me from obsessing over buying stuff or food or whatever else I could possibly obsess about, and I’m so incredibly lonely, I think this is the perfect solution.  So, I’m filling out long online paperwork, hoping a good match is out there and that Peter will give in if the house is clean enough and he’s getting enough of what he wants. We’ll talk about it seriously during our couple’s-counseling session Monday (along with the fact that we BOTH HATE that I am so dependent on him to do things that will enable my projects, so I don’t push, but it hurts me when he shows such disinterest in helping with getting my business started or clearing out communal space when I’ve already put a lot of work into it, but he needs some down time and relaxation time because he does work a 40-hr week, which is also why I am okay with him spending so very much time out of the house playing Magic: The Gathering with his friends, even though I am desperate for attention), and he’ll see this sometime before then so it won’t blind-side him.

So, that’s about it. A lot going on, all in a tiny span of time and all making laps around the inside of my tiny, youth-hat-sized skull.

I’ve had the same rheumatologist for 4 years, now. He’s seen me working and in pain and working and using a walker and fresh from the hospital and completely, unexplainedly fine, and working again and slowly getting worse. The past few visits he’s been telling me I’m really not that bad, when I just rest and stay unstressed. However, I surprised him today. He started up with the “So, what hurts?” and really not believing me when I said “I’ve been feeling much worse.” I said I have 3-7 migraines a week, and headaches the other days. He really didn’t seem interested in helping that. But then we got to the specific areas of localized pain and, wouldn’t you know it, the part that was the most painful was the shoulder he just gave an injection to 6 weeks ago. Usually, the injections cause a great improvement, so now I am possibly being honest and undramatic when I say “I’ve been feeling worse and have been unable to exercise properly.”

In the end, all my doctors agreed that I cannot return to full-time classroom teaching, and I have forms filled out by all of them to that effect. Hopefully, I will continue to live off the sick leave bank through June 17th (the 100th day of my Sick Leave Bank leave, 6 days before teachers are off-duty but 2 days after kids leave) and before getting let-go. If not, I can start tutoring kids to prep for finals, but I’m hoping to get as much time to get better as possible.

Here’s the skinny on my pain:

Weight gain does not add padding for my joints, back, or tush; it just adds weight to lug around and a greater amount of skin to be overly sensitive.

I can’t sleep on my side, because of both of my hips hurt and both of my shoulders displace a bit, but the weight of my DDs makes my breastbone hurt when I sleep on my back. If I don’t sleep well, I am achier the next day. And so it goes day after day until I finally sleep for over 12 hrs straight, after which I feel awesome and do too much and then can’t sleep because I’d slept so much and the cycle restarts.

Exercise can help if it’s just enough (so a little more than I feel like at first and a lot less than adrenaline helps me want to do once I’ve started). The next day, I can do the same amount. The third day, I can do a little more…  But once I stop or get hurt or do too much, I’m practically back to square one. It’s very difficult.

Meds are not as spectacular as they sound, but they do help.

• Lyrica causes my nervous system to quiet down; like having the lights off and the blinds closed on a sunny day, it helps keep the lights out, but there still is light, or like making the middle part of a swear word silent for TV, you still get the gist but it’s a little less offensive.
• Nabumetone is an all-day NSAID, so I don’t have to take Advil or Aleve. It means I never know I’m sick, because it also works as a fever reducer, but it does turn the pain dial down a notch.
• Flexeril is a muscle relaxant. I only take it at night to relax enough so I can sleep, or on the very very very rare occasion that I’m having horrible muscle spasm pain, especially in my neck. It’s kind of like removing the sword from the wound: it still hurts, but at least it’s not still slicing you.
• Hydrocodone (a.k.a. Vicodin) is a mixed bag. It’s a well-known opium-derived pain reliever that can totally lower my pain and make me feel human and relaxed and wonderful. It can also lower my horrible-level-9 blocked-out pain just enough that I feel it, causing unspeakable discomfort until the meds wear off. Plus, the more frequently you use it, the more you need. Plus, it is potentially habit-forming.
• I have just discovered Lidocaine pads, which are awesome for my ribs, breastbone, and other bonier places. Not as good for inside joints (like shoulders), for my neck (under my hair doesn’t work, for obvious reasons), or even tight muscles unless it’s a nausea-inducing, swollen, pulled-muscle pain. But I do use them up to 3 at a time either to get through a rough time in public wearing a bra or to get to sleep. (A heating pad also works well for my lower back/hips.)
• Klonipin is actually a psychiatric drug for anxiety, but it also relieves stress-induced muscle tension. I always surprise myself if I take half of a 0.5 mg tablet (that’s 1/4 of a milligram) during the day, before a stressful activity, because I just can relax and enjoy myself much more.
• Cymbalta is an antidepressant that is also FDA-approved for people with fibromyalgia because it works on just the reuptake of norepinepherine and has few side effects. Since the ECT, it is all I’ve needed to manage my depression and depression itself can cause all kinds of sleep disturbance and unnecessary stress.
• Seasonique is a 13-week-long birth control pill. It delivers a steady, low dose of hormone over nearly 3 months. This minimizing of fluctuation helps my mood considerably and reduces the amount of PMDD (which is like the raging stereotype of PMS, only worse) and PMDD-related-stress and PMDD-related-pain that I have had to deal with, even on the cheaper 4-week pill. This last cycle, I had a 1 day long, very light period and barely any PMS.

On another note, I read an article about foods that are good for and bad for fibromyalgia pain. Apparently, sugar, aspertame, and other artifical-sweeteners are reported to make pain worse by approximately the same amounts, so I’ll just go with fruit and ignoring articles in which all the test subjects start out believing certain foods effect their pain.

In addition, I’ve discovered that being home and doing very little means that I use fewer points than Weight Watchers allows on a daily basis (thus my weight gain). So now, I just eat as few points as possible with that daily points level as my “splurge.” We’ll see if it works.

That said, I’m going to make an appointment to see an allergist about possible gluten issues and one with an acupuncturist about my migraines, my sinuses, and my fibromyalgia pain.

There’s something to be said for happiness inside a marriage. When two people are getting along and happy together, even if it’s a happy-you’re-happy and happy-we’re-getting-along and happy-because-we’re-not-thinking-about-tomorrow/next week/next year… well, it adds a general contentment to life. I may be anxious about the future and about the situations in the very-very-near-future, I know I have a partner and I know I can cope.

I have a plan of action (or, more specifically, homework) from my psychologist.

1. I need to keep a record of my stress/anger/frustration, its triggers, the response, and what I did that helped or hindered a pain response.
2. I’m going to do my best to cope with situations without holding tight until I snap or holding it in until I explode, but to actively communicate (verbally or nonverbally) my feelings when possible, assert my needs, exit overwhelming situations as needed, close down or reroute conversations that make me uncomfortable, and be less passive by initiating interactions with my siblings and telling my parents and siblings that I don’t want to be on a side or hearing any one half talking about the other.
3. I’m going to do more to initiate intimacy with my husband and get myself in the mood before initiation by not doing chores of any sort and doing something calming like reading (which might also get me in the mood by feeling romantic but is mostly there to help me get out unwanted feelings) before Peter gets home and for the rest of the evening. By “intimacy,” I don’t just mean sexual activity, but also just spending some relaxing time together.

That third part is more for when we’re at home, but it helps to keep it in mind, because I won’t be seeing my doctor again until Tuesday, January 5, and I’m hoping to have enough coping skills to return to work March 1 ::knock on wood::.