It is nearly 2010 and I am preparing myself for the coming year. As must have become evident, I am a planner. Unfortunately, my body is one giant variable, far more so than the Buffalo job market or the Maryland real estate market. 

While visiting Peter’s family, my time sleeping on the rock-hard futon really did a number on me and I haven’t been able to recover since, no matter how much I sleep, how much time is spent relaxing, or how little I do. I’m beginning to seriously doubt that I can return to work this school year. If I get approved by the sick leave bank, we have some time. If not, we’ll have to step it up. I can’t move until I am no longer part of the “sick leave bank”, but we should move very soon after because our income will be significantly limited. So this is my plan.

• Peter will need to get his resume together ASAP and begin applying to jobs in Buffalo. He can work toward a teaching job, but it will probably take a year.
• I will discuss changing our mortgage to interest-only to lower the payments.
• I will work on getting the house cleared out and cleaned up and talk to a real estate agent so it can go on the market.
• I will send my resume to a school in Buffalo for kids with LD, to the local BOCES, post it on a few websites, etc, and work to get my Students with Disabilities certifications updated. I will also contact two local temp agency (one for health care, one for administrative jobs).
• When we move, we will either live with Peter’s parents until the house sells or move into a rental. Either way, our new rent/mortgage must be under $800, since my disability insurance will be paying $750 until I can return to work.

Oh, and throughout, I’ll:

• exercise 15 minutes to an hour each day with my new Wii Yoga and Wii Your Shape
• work harder to maintain my diet by eating healthily and snacking far less. (My goal is to lose 40 lbs over the year (I lost 20 this past year) and feel healthier, even if I’m in pain.)
• self-advocate more
• be a more active participant in my relationships with siblings and friends
• help out around the house more and work with my husband on our relationship.

Hopefully, I can manage all this, and I hope to have help and support from my husband, family, and friends.

Well, it’s technically Christmas day, but I still haven’t been able to fall asleep.

Aside from that, things are okay. My lunch derailed my daily points, but not too horrendously (like a trip to Red Robin or Anderson’s would). Their cats are still so kittenish and adorable and little Frankie (a chocolate-point girl they’re “fostering”-to-adopt that was too afraid at first to eat, drink, or leave a single room) is an affectionate cuddlebug that is learning to find her place within the pecking-order with her new brothers Remy and Logan. Below is a picture of the three of them (Frankie’s wearing a collar, Logan has antlers, and Remy’s Santa Claws).

Christmas Kitties-In-Law

Peter told his parents today that we want to move back home to Buffalo. Apparently, they’re concerned regarding job prospects. I didn’t know he told them until 12 hours later. They’ve kept relatively quiet until (and since) then regarding the subject. They also ignore mention of my being on disability leave or having minimal memories (due to my June 2009 ECT treatments) of my sister-in-law’s June wedding or the entire year preceding it. So I don’t know what they’re thinking, but I pretty much feel like crap – a millstone around their son’s neck that is enabling/enhancing his weaknesses rather than a strong partner to keep him happy and driven in whatever field he chooses.

I’m tired and frustrated and anxious. It’s hard not remembering an entire year, including 2 family weddings and a big family holiday, and having nobody outside of Peter, his parents, his sister (and her husband), and one of Peter’s six aunts know, with two very-large-extended-family get-togethers ahead of us. Oh, and my grandmother’s blood pressure is 70/30, so I’ll be home just in time for the funeral.

Well, who needs a boring life, hmmm? Certainly not someone as boring as me

There’s something to be said for happiness inside a marriage. When two people are getting along and happy together, even if it’s a happy-you’re-happy and happy-we’re-getting-along and happy-because-we’re-not-thinking-about-tomorrow/next week/next year… well, it adds a general contentment to life. I may be anxious about the future and about the situations in the very-very-near-future, I know I have a partner and I know I can cope.

I have a plan of action (or, more specifically, homework) from my psychologist.

1. I need to keep a record of my stress/anger/frustration, its triggers, the response, and what I did that helped or hindered a pain response.
2. I’m going to do my best to cope with situations without holding tight until I snap or holding it in until I explode, but to actively communicate (verbally or nonverbally) my feelings when possible, assert my needs, exit overwhelming situations as needed, close down or reroute conversations that make me uncomfortable, and be less passive by initiating interactions with my siblings and telling my parents and siblings that I don’t want to be on a side or hearing any one half talking about the other.
3. I’m going to do more to initiate intimacy with my husband and get myself in the mood before initiation by not doing chores of any sort and doing something calming like reading (which might also get me in the mood by feeling romantic but is mostly there to help me get out unwanted feelings) before Peter gets home and for the rest of the evening. By “intimacy,” I don’t just mean sexual activity, but also just spending some relaxing time together.

That third part is more for when we’re at home, but it helps to keep it in mind, because I won’t be seeing my doctor again until Tuesday, January 5, and I’m hoping to have enough coping skills to return to work March 1 ::knock on wood::.

It’s been coming for a while, but I’m just starting to gear up for the prolonged merry-making of spending the holidays with family. When I think of the holidays, I almost always have strong feelings. Sometimes it feels like I’m on the cusp of a panic attack. Sometimes it is a wonderful, bubbly, giddy feeling. But always strong.

I am very much looking forward to spending time with family, but I’m also very nervous about it.

• What if Peter’s family doesn’t approve of us moving back to Buffalo?
• What if they are unhappy with my “choice” to be on disability leave right now?
• What if I don’t remember things I should or, in public, seem too proud of remembering something?
• What if I just feel out of place or unwanted?
• What if I forget to pack something important?
• What if I don’t leave enough food for the cats?
• What if I don’t leave enough water for the cats?
• What if someone breaks in and the cats aren’t warm enough or are threatened?
• How will Peter and I separate our belongings for the return flights?
• What if Peter doesn’t remember to fill the water bowl in the hall bathroom?
• What if something happens to Peter when we’re apart?
• What if my grandmother dies while I’m in Buffalo, or shortly before we leave?
• How can I stay in my own bedroom without feeling guilty, if my baby brother’s girlfriend will be visiting my parents’ house even longer than I will?
• How can I keep from listening to my parent and siblings talking about each other?
• How can I continue to project an air of someone who is significantly better than I was in June, if I wind up cracking under the stress of all the stuff that’s going on?
• How can I project the air of someone who is in enough pain to be out of work but not so much pain that people need to worry about asking about what I’m up for every hour, on the hour?
• How can I enjoy myself and thoroughly celebrate being alive and loving those around me when all this other crap, and more, is running through my head?

At least I’m learning to communicate a bit better. Last night, I was upset, but rather than hitting my husband with pillows or trying to converse with him after he had fallen asleep or just holding it in, I wrote him an email explaining my feelings and what certain actions, etc, had said to me. He didn’t directly respond, but he was more attentive today, so I think he read it. Additionally, I just found out he has off the 31st and 1st. So, if I feel the need to be home with my husband and cats, where I can begin to just sleep and tackle my life and maybe see Sherlock Holmes with him (again?), my family would understand.

I’ve been packing two weeks’ worth of stuff for a long weekend, so I am going to be using a great deal of restraint when packing for this trip, attempting to remember that, everywhere I go, there is free laundry and the chance to stop at a CVS for anything I’ve forgotten or run out of.

On another note, we were snowed in this weekend. On Saturday afternoon, it was snowing hard and, with over a foot on the ground already, we knew the day would be spent indoors. So I decided to take some holiday photos early that afternoon.

Leela had been curled in a very tight ball on the guest bed and was woken with her bows first. She was affronted and, when I persisted, she got up and ran away. The only time I saw her afterwards, that day, was for a few minutes after I fed her. She’s mostly kept her distance today as well.

Stewie, on the other hand, was sleeping in the middle of our comforter looking oh-so-cozy. I covered him with bows and he purred away as I snapped some pictures as Leela looked on with horror. Then he proceeded to attempt to play with / annihilate the bows. When I took them away, he went back to sleep.

Later that night, I took a picture of our tree. It was going to be a picture of Leela on or by our tree, but she was not cooperative. The gifts underneath are mostly (1) gifts from my parents for Peter, (2) gifts from my parents for me that will be too heavy for me to travel with, (3) gifts from my older brother & his wife, and (4) gifts from me to Peter (his to me will be under there at the last minute, as always).

Our Bedecked Kitty-cats

XMas Tree 2009

I can’t exactly say “Life is Good.” However, I’m certainly feeling better about it.

I had a long talk with my older brother last night and I’ve decided something very important regarding family drama: I will no longer believe what anyone says about anyone else. So things that happened between two or more people will become a patchwork quilt that might guide me to the actual truth. But, generally, I’m just going to love each individual person as themselves and stay out of whatever arguments might occur between them. I also discovered that I must be more specific (or, perhaps, more general) when speaking with my husband. For example, rather than saying “Did my sister call me in the hospital or did I talk to her after I came home?”, I should have asked whether we heard from her at all during all that.

I had a long talk with my husband the evening before. We discussed our feelings and, basically, we both want to stay together and work to improve communication and, overall, just find ways to love and live and laugh together regardless of situation.

I need to work on losing weight, creating a fitness routine (I think someone may have purchased either Wii Yoga or Wii Your Shape, but I also have a Yoga for Pain Relief DVD I can follow as well as Wii Fit), and (most importantly) find ways to actively cope with stress, upset, frustration/anger, depressive feelings, and the pain that results and triggers these feelings. The coping strategies I will discover through cognitive behavioral therapy. A friend, a teacher with her own CNS pain issues, strongly promotes CBT as one of the only ways to truly cope and maintain a successful teaching career. I really really like my new psychiatrist and psychologist, so I’m very hopeful.

My grandmother was given a new prognosis of 3 weeks or so, so I will get to enjoy the Black-Tie-Optional work-sponsored dinner with my husband tomorrow night. I have two different sets of Spanx, and I’m not sure which I’ll wear under my little black dress (if either), but I know that I’ll be wearing black hose and black suede pumps along with a scarlet wrap and clutch from Target. I’ll also be wearing pearls in my ears, around my neck, and on my wrist. But, more importantly, I’m getting my hair set and pinned into a pinup girl look, and my makeup will go with it.

Tuesday, we’ll be celebrating Christmas as a couple and may even go out for a special dinner. We’ll be opening our gifts for each other. We’ll also be opening gifts from my older brother and his wife, Peter’s gifts from my parents, and the heavier gifts they’d bought me.

I’m hoping, before the New Year, I’ll get to spend time with my life-long friend Jessi (and her boyfriend Joemca) as well as all 4 of my siblings (I’m counting my sister-in-law, since she’s been part of the family for over 20 years) and my niece and nephews. And, even more hopefully (since it’s less likely), I’ll be able to hang out with some (newer) local friends in the New Year.