A lot has changed since the last post, and a lot has stayed the same.

Over the past five weeks, I have been working out with a Personal Trainer who has a lot of experience with helping people with fibromyalgia, or have other issues with chronic pain. I have more energy and strength, sleep more at night, and I have a visibly different shape. I’m also now seeing cheekbone shading, a more defined collar bone, and an omega-shaped ridge below my ribs that is the start of a 6-pack (not that I ever expect one). Unfortunately, my weight has stayed roughly the same (approx. 8 lbs lost) and measurements vary (for example, my butt is more toned, but is raised and rounded, which can raise my hip measurements)… so I’ve gotten a digital caliper and a scale that approximates body fat and water retention through electrical currents. That way, I can monitor improvement in other ways and hopefully not get into a funk.

I started out doing teeny little exercises designed for arthritic nonagenarians, including sitting on a stability ball and 15 minutes on a recumbent elliptical machine on least resistance, but each time we met we ramped it up. Two weeks ago, we hesitantly tried 8 reps on each of a few arm machines. Now, I warm up with 30 minutes on the recumbent elliptical at 150% the original pace. Then, I do a circuit of nautilus-style machines for arms and legs, 2 sets of 12 reps each, with the first set on a new, higher weight and the second set using only (just over) half the weight to stretch the muscle.  Finally is ball work, both using a stability ball and a 4-lb medicine ball to do crazy stuff like putting my legs on the stability ball (to up the effort) and making a “bridge” with my back, raising myself 10 times from just barely touching the floor, then 10 from half-way, then squeezing my tush 10 times, then removing the ball to make it a standard bridge so I can move my knees apart and back together 10 times. Another favorite, since it works my triceps, neck, and abs, is when I hold the medicine ball above my chest with both hands, and then bring it backwards, behind my head, all while I keep my belly button in and have my legs atop the stability ball (again, to increase the effort and effectiveness). To target the lower abs, I dig into the stability ball with my heels and bring my hips up and knees all the way to my chest, in two sets of 12. Finally, we do some seated stuff on the ball, using the medicine ball to do bicep curls and rotate my torso to target my obliques, and maybe even toss a medicine ball back and forth for a funner version of oblique work, and finally try balancing on the Bosu.

For the past 2½ weeks, I’ve been on the 5-day diet, but I’m switching back to the 7-day diet so that I can continue to lose weight. I think I’ll stay on it through the summer, with the occasional meal “off” (perhaps 1 dinner/week and 1 breakfast+lunch/week) that will allow me to share more with my husband, while I slowly push back my meal schedule or allow me to nix a meal that doesn’t look right or just doesn’t appeal. I need the structure to help me continue to lose weight. But my relationship with food has certainly changed. I’m no longer in search of food when I’m in pain or upset, and I no longer fantasize about meals. I just see it as fuel… the input of my daily biological function… with the rare difference being that I “munch” on grapes and sometimes sweets call to me, although last night was the first time I gave in over the past 8 weeks, and that was only after calculating the amount of energy I’d used and the amount I’d ingested. But I really really want to get closer to a “normal” weight. In a perfect world, 40 lbs more. Ideally, 25 lbs more. But I’ll accept at least doubling the weight loss I’ve had over the past 2 months.

Aside from the physical changes, I’ve also been much more social. I joined a local Catholic church that has an extremely large congregation (1,500 families or so) and have signed up for information on joining various small groups (of which there are many) that do good works, study the bible, or organize events. My husband and I have also socialized together with couples whose male counterparts play Magic with him. First, we ate lunch out, saw Toy Story 3 in IMAX 3D, and then went out to dinner at a Filipino restaurant with a slowly growing group. The following weekend, his friend had a belated housewarming party, and I met an entirely new group of people… although I didn’t feel all that comfortable and had a bad headache (mini-migraine), we stayed for 4 hours. Yesterday, both groups combined (plus many, many more), for a 40th-birthday-bash / Independence Day celebration. We were there for over 7 hours and I had a great deal of fun, meeting many people and getting to know others better. I am very hopeful for a more social future for both myself and my husband, together and separately, which is awesome.

Finally, I am getting more and more people becoming fans of the Facebook page for my tutoring business and I got very serious interest from a mother of a student with a disability who was going to homeschool him and needed a math teacher (5 hours per week!). Even if she does not choose to go with me, I have hope that I will get enough students to get by. I just need to get through the summer, focusing on wellness, family, friends, preparation, and hobbies.

Most people see a decade-marked anniversary with dread, resignation, and a little resentment. It isn’t “look how long I’ve lived,” but looking at all the youthful years behind you that you can never experience again. Although 40 is the new 30, it is still seen as that milestone between young, fledgling adult and Adult.

However, this is the first year I’ve had a birthday without a nugget of depression lodged in my brain. This is the first year I’ve looked at all I’ve experienced and look forward to the future. In fact, my thought was that I’ll only get to live those years twice-more-over, if I’m lucky. Compare that to turning 17 and crying that I was still alive. Or last year, where all I felt was pain and all I looked forward to was more pain and disappointment and further making my loved ones lives difficult. Don’t get me wrong: I still see fibromyalgia as something that won’t be magically disappearing anytime at all soon. However, I see hope for having a future with less pain. It will be a long road and there will be bumps along the way (heck, I’m awake now because I’m in too much pain to lie down comfortably and am just waiting until I’m too exhausted to stay awake), but it can and will happen if I do what I’m supposed to.

In any event, I am happy to be turning 30. I am happy to be old enough that people take what I say seriously – I always knew what I was talking about and have always known best, but it’s a lot harder to take from a 4-year-old, or even a 24-year-old fresh out of grad school. But now I have years of experience and a track record to fall back on (and not just in the teaching field). I am happy to feel a separation between myself and my students. But even more, it’s like starting fresh. All the advantages of the ECT, without the post-ECT oh-no-what-did-I-do-to-my-brain-and-what-did-I-do-to-myself-this-past-year crisis that was jumping into way too deep a pool too quickly.

I look forward to see what the next 3 decades (and the 3 after that) bring:  hopefully, love, children, contentment, and chocolate. Oh, and a size 8 figure (I looked hot, but could still eat). Hey, it doesn’t hurt to dream

My mother visited this week. She arrived Sunday, Pi Day, the day after my 30th birthday, and stayed until this evening. Almost exactly 5 full days of being silly, eating delicious food, reminiscing, and – oh yeah – tons and tons of cleaning up my life.

Monday, my mother and I cleaned out my study (and what had spilled into the hall). Even the books that I was planning to bring downstairs, she brought downstairs. It was amazing, the lifting and carrying – and this was only the beginning! The only mess left over is the paperwork and CDs and such on my desk, and the table is still up there but, for now, it’s welcome.

Tuesday, we cleaned all my stuff out of my classroom. It was stressful and sad, and it was so much easier having my mom with me. Then we went to the mall, checked out Nordstrom’s, bought some little things at Sephora and got my birthday gift, and… we purchased new eyeglasses! I know that doesn’t sound huge, but if you wear glasses every day and haven’t gotten a new pair in 4 years, it’s a big deal. I got the same shape I had before, but in blue with some silver accents. My mother got a pair, too: wire-rimmed tortoiseshell glasses that are very round on bottom and somewhat round on top. She says they’re Daniel Jackson from “Stargate: SG1″ glasses, not Harry Potter glasses. My first reaction was that they looked silly, but I got used to them quickly and they look very nice on her oval face.

Daniel Jackson from Stargate: SG1

Wednesday, my mother and I tackled the bathroom renovation. We first visited a high-end tile store and found a perfect tile for the shower and floor and a mosaic tile I really liked, too. They gave us a sample of the tile and we went to Home Depot to look at pre-assembled vanities and linen cabinets, as well as prefabricated counters. Not only did we find them in clearance, but they were just perfect for the tile and the room.

cabinetry

Then, we found tiles that were the same color for 1/5 the price and a similar, but less dark, mosaic tile! It took hours and I was exhausted and just sat down in pain half-way through, but the comparing of similar tiles, selecting the edging tile (which is marble), and just finding what I was hoping for was sooooo worth it, and it would have taken me weeks and left me feeling dissatisfied if I hadn’t had my mother with me.

Due to my pain and flagging energy, I asked my mom to stay an extra day so we could actually spend time enjoying each other and doing things at a more leisurely pace. Luckily, she could stay! So, Thursday, we went sneaker shopping and my mother spent nearly an hour taking every single box and bag and random piece of clothing out of my car and down into the basement, where I will be setting up a room for tutoring and waiting (for parents) / game-playing (for friends who we have over).

I have been driving around with 2 classrooms and 1 cubicle in my car since leaving my PT job tutoring special needs college students in October 2008 for an “amazing” opportunity to head up math curriculum for a national virtual charter school (an alternative to, or version of, homeschooling). I have felt homeless and embarrassed of my situation and it (along with my study) was an albatross I dragged around for years, adding to it, letting it spill into my kitchen to make room for groceries…

I can’t even put into words the freedom and hope my mother has given me, just by helping me with all this. I can totally handle the other projects in my life now that this has been sorted out and dealt with. The bathroom stuff was fun and helpful, but the cleaning up of my – well, of my life, really – was such an incredible weight off my shoulders, I get teary just thinking about it. I feel such hope about being a functioning professional special ed math tutor, with room to have a personal life.

Thursday afternoon and Friday, my mother and I just had fun and watched some episodes of “The Big Bang Theory,” including the newish episode of Sheldon getting stuck trying to solve a problem involving electrons moving through a graphite surface (I believe), the episode in which Penny dislocates her shoulder and Sheldon drives her to the hospital, and the episode in which Leonard’s mom first comes to visit.

I dropped her off at the local Amtrak, but I miss her already. Yes, having a close friend nearby would be nice, but it wouldn’t take the place of the wonderfulness of a visit from my mommy. I wish we could just spend a day together every week, or a weekend each month. However, I still haven’t managed to fold the Earth into the 4th dimension so that travel time would be inconsequential. Unfortunately, we’re both on our best behavior, because visits are rare…We love each other, but we can drive each other bananas. If we lived near each other, tears would be shed, neither of our husbands would be able to put up living with us, and killing sprees might not be an impossibility.

So, thanks to my mother, who cleaned up my study, my classroom, my car, and filled my basement (and my husband, who cleaned up my computer and loves all of me, including my craziness), I now start my 4th decade full of hope and excitement over all the possibilities.

Apparently, fibromyalgia and gluten sensitivity have a lot of similar features, according to Deirdre Rawlings, writing for FOODS FOR FIBROMYALGIA.

Physical symptoms associated with gluten intolerance and celiac disease include the following:

• Abdominal cramping / bloating
• Abdominal distention
• Appetite increased (to the point of craving)
• Back pain
• Constipation
• Dehydration
• Decreased ability to clot blood
• Diarrhea
• Dry skin
• Edema
• Electrolyte depletion
• Energy loss
• Fatigue
• Gas / flatulence
• Mouth sores or cracks in the corners
• Muscle cramping (especially in the hands and legs)
• Night blindness
• Weakness and lethargy

Emotional states associated with gluten intolerance and celiac disease are:

• Brain fog
• Depression
• Difficulty concentrating
• Disinterested in normal activities
• Irritable
• Mood changes

How many of these sound like a person with fibromyalgia, depression, mild anxiety, and irritable bowel? Exactly. How about if I just list the symptoms I don’t have?

• _____?

Yeah, I’ve got it all. And my weekend (Friday-Sunday) was very, very gluten rich and surprisingly increasingly painful. So I might have a sensitivity, if not an allergy (I also sometimes break out in unexplained rashes, which I currently have), and I ought to ask my doctor to do tests to determine whether this is possible. Until then, I should eat a low-carb diet.

But gluten is sooooo yummy. My favorite foods are ice cream, bread, chocolate, and pasta.

So I could change my diet and possibly turn everything around (and also lose a lot of weight without my favorite foods to tempt me) but lose the comfort of those favorite foods except on rare occasion.

Or I could go on as if this weren’t a possibility.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I made an appointment for next Wednesday (3/10) with my rheumatologist and I will definitely be bringing this up.

Luckily, my “adoptive” grandmother (my husband’s maternal grandmother)’s husband has gluten intolerance and he eats a gluten-free diet, so she could have some great suggestions, and there are many cookbooks and diet books out there.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for. Maybe a notable sensitivity in tests, but not a complete intolerance, giving me the the ability to indulge in very small amounts and leading to a breakthrough turnaround that changes my life. Yeah, that would rock.

I can’t exactly say “Life is Good.” However, I’m certainly feeling better about it.

I had a long talk with my older brother last night and I’ve decided something very important regarding family drama: I will no longer believe what anyone says about anyone else. So things that happened between two or more people will become a patchwork quilt that might guide me to the actual truth. But, generally, I’m just going to love each individual person as themselves and stay out of whatever arguments might occur between them. I also discovered that I must be more specific (or, perhaps, more general) when speaking with my husband. For example, rather than saying “Did my sister call me in the hospital or did I talk to her after I came home?”, I should have asked whether we heard from her at all during all that.

I had a long talk with my husband the evening before. We discussed our feelings and, basically, we both want to stay together and work to improve communication and, overall, just find ways to love and live and laugh together regardless of situation.

I need to work on losing weight, creating a fitness routine (I think someone may have purchased either Wii Yoga or Wii Your Shape, but I also have a Yoga for Pain Relief DVD I can follow as well as Wii Fit), and (most importantly) find ways to actively cope with stress, upset, frustration/anger, depressive feelings, and the pain that results and triggers these feelings. The coping strategies I will discover through cognitive behavioral therapy. A friend, a teacher with her own CNS pain issues, strongly promotes CBT as one of the only ways to truly cope and maintain a successful teaching career. I really really like my new psychiatrist and psychologist, so I’m very hopeful.

My grandmother was given a new prognosis of 3 weeks or so, so I will get to enjoy the Black-Tie-Optional work-sponsored dinner with my husband tomorrow night. I have two different sets of Spanx, and I’m not sure which I’ll wear under my little black dress (if either), but I know that I’ll be wearing black hose and black suede pumps along with a scarlet wrap and clutch from Target. I’ll also be wearing pearls in my ears, around my neck, and on my wrist. But, more importantly, I’m getting my hair set and pinned into a pinup girl look, and my makeup will go with it.

Tuesday, we’ll be celebrating Christmas as a couple and may even go out for a special dinner. We’ll be opening our gifts for each other. We’ll also be opening gifts from my older brother and his wife, Peter’s gifts from my parents, and the heavier gifts they’d bought me.

I’m hoping, before the New Year, I’ll get to spend time with my life-long friend Jessi (and her boyfriend Joemca) as well as all 4 of my siblings (I’m counting my sister-in-law, since she’s been part of the family for over 20 years) and my niece and nephews. And, even more hopefully (since it’s less likely), I’ll be able to hang out with some (newer) local friends in the New Year.