After sleepless hours and constantly reassuring myself it will all be fine and the cats will accept it and my husband will see how happy I am and everyone will be happy… I realize that this is a lot of crap.

It wasn’t until we were talking with our couple’s therapist tonight that it came out that my husband really, really, really does not want a dog in the house. He can tolerate dogs, and even take some comfort in their company (when they are quiet and just lying beside you on the couch), but does not want one in his home. This means that, regardless of how happy I am, I believe that all he’ll see is how inconvenienced we are as a result of a dog being in our home and inconvenienced = unhappy husband. We came up with a lot of ways that I can get what I need from my husband when he’s home. Probably during my personal counseling session my doctor will try to help me come up with ways I can get what I need for myself as well.

However, I already loved the dog that was coming into my home, and feel much the same way I did when I got my period after a questionably-positive pregnancy test back when I was well and we were trying to have a baby 5 years ago. (It’s worse than having to go on disability leave and abandon my students because, honestly, a lot of those kids were being total jerks to me, personally.)  That space I made in my heart and nested and planned for is just going to go vacant. I will not have someone to drag out of their shell through patience, love, and understanding. I will not have a buddy to spend my days with. I will not have someone else for whom I have to take a walk and stay well (for my husband and my self and the rest of my family, I weigh pros and cons of any activity and accept the consequences in order to do things with him I may not feel up to).

I figure it’s for the best, because if a foster is easily frightened (like most) and my husband reacts to barking or accidents the way he reacts to our kitty Stewie shouting at night… well, it could do more harm than good. Maybe, one day when we have kids (or when we have empty nest syndrome) and a yard, the kids and I will be able to convince my husband to let me get a dog.

When it comes down to it, I want my husband to be happy and comfortable at home above all else. I guess it’s been long enough since he’s been comfortable, that he’s not really willing to accept this discomfort (which, to him, appears to be significant) for my potential happiness, if there’s any way that happiness could be achieved through other means, however elaborately multi-pronged and potentially exhausting they may be, as well as putting greater burdens upon him.

I already emailed the local person and said I cannot foster. I even stretched the truth:

I’m really very sorry, but after bringing our cats to the vet for their checkup and getting some disheartening news about each of them, and then going to see my doctor to find out my recent fibromyalgia flare-up was most likely due to a tear in my left shoulder blade/back muscle, I’m going to have to cancel my application to foster. Apparently I and my family are just not up to it.

Since there’s no going back, in honor of the dog I already loved and never met, here are a few LOLdoxies from ihasahotdog.com:

EDITED: Since writing this, this thought was firmly removed from rotation and I no longer feel as strongly.

Late at night, I get thoughts that swirl around and around in my head. My psychiatrist said it could be AD(H)D rather than OCD, but I really think it’s boredom. I don’t get my thoughts out very often and there are very few things to think about, or be bothered by that I can’t make a list and just deal with slowly-but-surely.

However, there has been one very familially-socially-destructive set of thoughts that is firmly in the rotation: my relatively new, negative feelings toward my sister-in-law.

It could be because she’s extremely attractive and fit (she’s always been in that popular “beautiful-and-intelligent-enough-and-very-hardworking-jock” group, as opposed to the “non-preppy-overly-bright-too-honors-student-enjoying-dorky-things-too-much-to-be-popular-regardless-of-attractiveness” group that her brother and I were in). It could be because she’s going into what is my family’s Family Business. But, honestly, I overlooked and/or embraced those things long ago. It’s mostly because one of the very things that defines her character is the very thing that I cannot comprehend or accept because it is the antithesis of what I feel we are all put on this Earth for. (No, she doesn’t kill kittens.) She’s extremely self-absorbed, often to the exclusion of all others, including her sibling, unless their thoughts/feelings/opinions/actions directly affect her.

I’ve been feeling very frustrated over my fibromyalgia-related limitations. This past week, my arms (or, rather, the shoulder-blades/upper-back region) have been hurting horribly and the muscles have swollen. This weekend (Sat & Sun), I did nothing. Quite literally nothing (aside from using the bathroom, brushing my teeth (electric toothbrush), and feeding myself a limited amount).  I lay in bed listening to The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo yesterday and some Neil Gaiman short stories today, sometimes propping myself up in bed and doing Kakuro (cross-sums) puzzles while I listened.

My husband spent the weekend at a “Magic: The Gathering” Grand Prix tournament just outside D.C., coming home only to sleep a few hours Saturday night and finally crash around 5pm on Sunday. He did very well Saturday (top 220 out of 1930, getting him into the 2nd day’s rounds), but the adrenaline high only lasted enough to get him home. So I haven’t seen much of him or gotten to talk to him.

Talking on the phone has been difficult, as has being on the computer, due to the amount I need to use my arms. So I haven’t been able to spend time chatting with my sister or brothers or niece & nephews or grandmother (well, technically, my husband’s grandmother, but she’s adopted me which is a wonderful warm fuzzy feeling).

I couldn’t clean the kitchen floor so local students can be invited to study here. I couldn’t put books on shelves downstairs to get the tutoring room together. Heck, I couldn’t even put dishes away and could barely refill my water bottle with the Brita. The stuff that’s left over from the renovation needs to be returned to Home Depot and Lowes, but my husband has to put it into my car. And the kitty litter, which I’d thought my husband had changed when we went and got litter on Thursday, had not been changed (and it was disgusting then – I am so, so angry)!

Someone’s going to come do a home visit to see if it’s a suitable foster-dog placement. Right now, I’m not ready to let someone into my home.

I feel let down… My husband said I could count on him to do things for me on Thursday and Friday evenings, but that wasn’t completely true, because he really was only willing to do 30 minutes worth of work, max, and if that involved going out and picking up the litter, well, then the litter would have to be changed later. My husband made it sound like I could depend on him to handle the garbage every week, but he will only take 1 trip out on Thursday morning, so if everything can’t be brought on that trip it’ll have to wait. So, when I came down on Thursday, the master bedroom garbage pail was empty (but still in the kitchen) and the cooler from eDiets and the big black garbage bag were gone, the kitchen garbage was still very very full.

It’s a horrible situation: my husband is extremely vehement that he does NOT want people coming in to help me clean even just once in specific rooms, but he is too busy and needs some down time and therefore hasn’t had time to do much cleaning, like scrub the kitchen floor or counters, or wash windows, or do the dishes last week, or just put the Home Depot stuff in my car (I can tip someone for helping me load and bring it into the store), or even go get his own Pepsi out of my car. I understand his point of view: he wakes up early, works all day, needs some time to decompress, needs some time to have fun, and needs to sleep… He’s tired and may feel put upon by all the things that need doing that I can’t share the burden of. He does something for me every day and still that never seems to be enough, I always seem to have more that I’m asking of him.

But carrying my dinner plate and a water bottle to the living room is painful – I can’t do much of anything and just keep hurting myself when I try. We’re running out of clean clothing, but he hasn’t carried any laundry down and may not always be available to carry it back up. Going to Target to get my prescriptions was difficult because I had to pick up shampoo for my husband (which was very heavy, ridiculously enough, but so was pushing a cart) and I got home in so much pain I was dizzy and nauseous.

I guess this is something we can talk about in counseling tomorrow. But I feel helpless and frustrated because I don’t feel like there’s any non-painful way to deal with the situation. No matter what, I’ll be the jerk of a bad guy. Either my husband throws himself into pitching in (maybe he doesn’t see the urgency of the school year ending, of HSA week being this coming week, of me missing important opportunities by waiting) or I’ll need his consent to get someone to come by and clean the kitchen and basement and windows, and perhaps pay a former student to help me get the tutoring room together. But I kind of hit my breaking point this weekend, forcing myself to do nothing while seeing so much to do…

On a more positive note, my husband did say it’s okay for me to buy some personal training sessions with an Elite Personal Trainer at the Columbia Athletic Club, so that someone can help me strengthen my body and arms without exacerbating the injury. So, at least there’s that.

Approximately four weeks have passed since my last post and so very much is milling around my mind to write about that I am writing this post just to recognize all that I will talk about when I can:

• The bathroom is finished. Finally. It’s beautiful and not completely moved into yet, but being fully used. It was completed Friday night, at 11pm on the 23rd, and we began to use it Sunday evening. I will be fully accustomed to it after everything has been put away for a while… so, in a month or so.

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  
• The front of our home is no longer a jungle. Perhaps over-pruned, but I can plant at my leisure. It was a gift from my mom.
• L.A. was wonderful. We had really needed to get away from life and enjoy ourselves. I enjoyed connecting with my brother and even got to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and find out just how very much we both have in common (poor guy). It was also wonderful getting to know Grandma Susie better and meeting Grandpa Bernie and their dog, Patsy, for the first time. Since Grandpa Bernie is extremely hard-of-hearing and is not connected to the internet, I have purchased stationery so that I can correspond with him by letter writing. Seeing my in-laws was also nice, although some comments from my husband’s sister went beyond her usual unthinkingly-self-involved zings into personally-cruel territory and I was very proud of myself for neither physically nor verbally attacking her (or even commenting on it to her). The call-her-on-it-and-get-into-a-hysterical-argument gene comes from both sides of my family on X chromosomes (and appears to only get diluted if a Y chromosome is present), as my little brother pointed out, which made me feel even prouder. Someone must have made her more aware of her need to be a little more sensitive, because she didn’t say anything rude at me after that. Overall, it was a wonderful place to visit, and I wish we could fold the globe into the 4th dimension so I could visit my adoptive grandparents and my baby brother far more often, but I would not want to live in a plastic, prop-filled world.
• I’m trying to get my business of the ground. The website is live and it has a facebook page. I have people saying they will send business my way (including the admissions director of a private school for LD students, a parent of two former students, another parent of a summer student, and the head of a local psych group). I have a now-clean rec room with attached powder room that now has matching “powder room” and “laundry room” signs so those doors can stay closed, a soon-to-be-assembled book shelf and computer desk, a printer stand/filing cabinet, a printer/copier/scanner, a soon-to-be-hooked-up computer and soon-to-be-delivered comfy waiting area furniture. A table upstairs will be brought down for tutoring purposes. The kitchen floor is now clear of boxes and junk and soon the surfaces will be too, so that I can advertise to neighbors a low-cost 3pm-5pm homework help time (to drum up business and make nice with them).
• I’m doing eDiets home-delivery to get rid of a chunk of weight. They guarantee 10 lbs in 5 weeks. In addition, I’ve joined the local gyms and pools, which was a package deal that also gives me more access to community events and activities (to shmooze and make friends). Just spending the past week preparing for the diet has had me lose 1.2 lbs.
• I want a dog. Peter does not. The best reason he has is that my health may one day improve greatly, making FT work possible, which is not conducive to dog-ownership. However, I know a dog would get me walking several times a day, every day, and we could get well or be ill together… I am hoping to foster a senior/adult dachshund. Peter thinks bringing anyone new into the household would be hard on the cats. But me being alone all day and dependent on Peter for amusement (as well as every project that I do, which all seem to involve heavy lifting to some degree) is hard on everyone. Also, doing obedience or agility or just a dog park with the dog would be another way to meet people. Since the summer is a slow time for tutors AND I’m limiting myself to 2 hrs/day of work, and I need an interactive project to keep me from obsessing over buying stuff or food or whatever else I could possibly obsess about, and I’m so incredibly lonely, I think this is the perfect solution.  So, I’m filling out long online paperwork, hoping a good match is out there and that Peter will give in if the house is clean enough and he’s getting enough of what he wants. We’ll talk about it seriously during our couple’s-counseling session Monday (along with the fact that we BOTH HATE that I am so dependent on him to do things that will enable my projects, so I don’t push, but it hurts me when he shows such disinterest in helping with getting my business started or clearing out communal space when I’ve already put a lot of work into it, but he needs some down time and relaxation time because he does work a 40-hr week, which is also why I am okay with him spending so very much time out of the house playing Magic: The Gathering with his friends, even though I am desperate for attention), and he’ll see this sometime before then so it won’t blind-side him.

So, that’s about it. A lot going on, all in a tiny span of time and all making laps around the inside of my tiny, youth-hat-sized skull.

The way in which people love one another is as interesting and diverse as how they show their love.

Some people love in an abstract sort of way. I’m related to you, so I love you. But when it comes between their own comfort or routine and the more distant needs of that relative, the urgency would have to be great to impel them to do something outside that comfort zone.

Some people love so thoroughly it’s almost smothering, but very comforting. They want to be there for you so much that they practically want to crawl inside your skin and be there with you through the big and little ups and downs of every single day.

Some people love with their whole hearts and it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you’ve seen or spoken to one another. There’s just always that instant connection of love and togetherness, a bond that just strengthens as you grow. If you need them they will drop everything, and vice versa.

Some people love insecurely, constantly afraid something could happen that would shatter the relationship.

Some people love with small gestures and just sharing their lives each day, being there for the ups and downs and the boring sameness that is most days.

They say animals can give unconditional love. Every day at 4:30 is a special time when the usually-self-contained Leela (who is more attached to Peter than myself) demands loving attention from me. When I sleep in, I also often find Leela curled up next to or on me. Stewie (who attached himself to me as a kitten) has a very needy, but companionable, love. When he gets cuddly, he will look up at me like I’m his world. When he isn’t feeling cuddly, but senses my need for it, he will curl up on the couch just barely within reach or stretch out on the ottoman. When I’m up late, he comes down with me, occasionally yelling at me to get to bed, and then eventually follows me back upstairs.

It’s amazing how many more ways people love that I didn’t even mention. But then, everyone and every interpersonal relationship is different.