We have a tiny master bathroom with relatively old fixtures. Additionally, we’ll need to do a little patchwork or completely replace the bath tub before selling. In fact, we’re not even using that shower right now (which is a nice change, since it’s a little claustrophobic with a cloudy shower door.

Now, we’re not necessarily moving anytime soon. However, we don’t want to put wear and tear on another bathroom that we may eventually (after a year or two) discover we’ll have to make the same decision over. Plus, I keep leaving my towel in the other bathroom.

I spoke with my mortgage broker and we have 2 options when we refinance at a lower rate: we could refinance the entire mortgage and wind up paying a few hundred (2-4) less each month OR we could add $5000 to the principal and pay $100 less each month. Either way, we pay less. The $5000 would go toward landscaping the front for curb appeal and less maintenance AND redoing the shower-tub of the master bathroom.

I think we should actually redo the master bath. On average, a bathroom remodel brings in 100% of its cost and could get a home to sell faster. If we do it now, we can enjoy it too. Basically, nothing too fancy or expensive or taste-specific, no moving things around, just something nicer/less dated than what is there, which will make the room more appealing. What I propose is, since we’d have to tear out tile, why not make the room seem larger? We make it a large shower (no tub) with new, higher fixtures (but relatively inexpensive). If we put in some frameless sliding doors, it could look like part of the room rather than a giant wall. In addition, since we’ll need more tile and the white tile with brown flecks always looks dirty, we could put in ceramic or porcelain tile that looks like pale ivory marble. We can paint the walls a slightly darker tone than the cream we have (so a pale, warm brown) or maybe the cream color will make it flow more seamlessly. Otherwise, the flooring is fine, so no need to change that, but if money’s left over, maybe a new vanity or  vanity top or new sink faucet, and definitely spend a buck to put a new pull on the vanity door. It could be sooo nice to use while we still live here, and “updated master bath” is often a big eye-catcher, which could get us more traffic and a better sale.

Or we can use a whole lot of caulk and scrubbing and hope potential buyers will just be happy with it as it is.

If we stay here a year and a half, we may pay back some of that $5000, and we’ll still pay less than we already budget for. Once materials are in place, it should only take a couple of days, so it wouldn’t put us out much.

Then again, a few hundred less to pay a month could pay for caulk, patchwork, and landscaping. So it should be interesting to see what my husband decides (I’m putting the decision in his hands – he has 1 week).

It is nearly 2010 and I am preparing myself for the coming year. As must have become evident, I am a planner. Unfortunately, my body is one giant variable, far more so than the Buffalo job market or the Maryland real estate market. 

While visiting Peter’s family, my time sleeping on the rock-hard futon really did a number on me and I haven’t been able to recover since, no matter how much I sleep, how much time is spent relaxing, or how little I do. I’m beginning to seriously doubt that I can return to work this school year. If I get approved by the sick leave bank, we have some time. If not, we’ll have to step it up. I can’t move until I am no longer part of the “sick leave bank”, but we should move very soon after because our income will be significantly limited. So this is my plan.

• Peter will need to get his resume together ASAP and begin applying to jobs in Buffalo. He can work toward a teaching job, but it will probably take a year.
• I will discuss changing our mortgage to interest-only to lower the payments.
• I will work on getting the house cleared out and cleaned up and talk to a real estate agent so it can go on the market.
• I will send my resume to a school in Buffalo for kids with LD, to the local BOCES, post it on a few websites, etc, and work to get my Students with Disabilities certifications updated. I will also contact two local temp agency (one for health care, one for administrative jobs).
• When we move, we will either live with Peter’s parents until the house sells or move into a rental. Either way, our new rent/mortgage must be under $800, since my disability insurance will be paying $750 until I can return to work.

Oh, and throughout, I’ll:

• exercise 15 minutes to an hour each day with my new Wii Yoga and Wii Your Shape
• work harder to maintain my diet by eating healthily and snacking far less. (My goal is to lose 40 lbs over the year (I lost 20 this past year) and feel healthier, even if I’m in pain.)
• self-advocate more
• be a more active participant in my relationships with siblings and friends
• help out around the house more and work with my husband on our relationship.

Hopefully, I can manage all this, and I hope to have help and support from my husband, family, and friends.

Well, it’s technically Christmas day, but I still haven’t been able to fall asleep.

Aside from that, things are okay. My lunch derailed my daily points, but not too horrendously (like a trip to Red Robin or Anderson’s would). Their cats are still so kittenish and adorable and little Frankie (a chocolate-point girl they’re “fostering”-to-adopt that was too afraid at first to eat, drink, or leave a single room) is an affectionate cuddlebug that is learning to find her place within the pecking-order with her new brothers Remy and Logan. Below is a picture of the three of them (Frankie’s wearing a collar, Logan has antlers, and Remy’s Santa Claws).

Christmas Kitties-In-Law

Peter told his parents today that we want to move back home to Buffalo. Apparently, they’re concerned regarding job prospects. I didn’t know he told them until 12 hours later. They’ve kept relatively quiet until (and since) then regarding the subject. They also ignore mention of my being on disability leave or having minimal memories (due to my June 2009 ECT treatments) of my sister-in-law’s June wedding or the entire year preceding it. So I don’t know what they’re thinking, but I pretty much feel like crap – a millstone around their son’s neck that is enabling/enhancing his weaknesses rather than a strong partner to keep him happy and driven in whatever field he chooses.

I’m tired and frustrated and anxious. It’s hard not remembering an entire year, including 2 family weddings and a big family holiday, and having nobody outside of Peter, his parents, his sister (and her husband), and one of Peter’s six aunts know, with two very-large-extended-family get-togethers ahead of us. Oh, and my grandmother’s blood pressure is 70/30, so I’ll be home just in time for the funeral.

Well, who needs a boring life, hmmm? Certainly not someone as boring as me

It’s been coming for a while, but I’m just starting to gear up for the prolonged merry-making of spending the holidays with family. When I think of the holidays, I almost always have strong feelings. Sometimes it feels like I’m on the cusp of a panic attack. Sometimes it is a wonderful, bubbly, giddy feeling. But always strong.

I am very much looking forward to spending time with family, but I’m also very nervous about it.

• What if Peter’s family doesn’t approve of us moving back to Buffalo?
• What if they are unhappy with my “choice” to be on disability leave right now?
• What if I don’t remember things I should or, in public, seem too proud of remembering something?
• What if I just feel out of place or unwanted?
• What if I forget to pack something important?
• What if I don’t leave enough food for the cats?
• What if I don’t leave enough water for the cats?
• What if someone breaks in and the cats aren’t warm enough or are threatened?
• How will Peter and I separate our belongings for the return flights?
• What if Peter doesn’t remember to fill the water bowl in the hall bathroom?
• What if something happens to Peter when we’re apart?
• What if my grandmother dies while I’m in Buffalo, or shortly before we leave?
• How can I stay in my own bedroom without feeling guilty, if my baby brother’s girlfriend will be visiting my parents’ house even longer than I will?
• How can I keep from listening to my parent and siblings talking about each other?
• How can I continue to project an air of someone who is significantly better than I was in June, if I wind up cracking under the stress of all the stuff that’s going on?
• How can I project the air of someone who is in enough pain to be out of work but not so much pain that people need to worry about asking about what I’m up for every hour, on the hour?
• How can I enjoy myself and thoroughly celebrate being alive and loving those around me when all this other crap, and more, is running through my head?

At least I’m learning to communicate a bit better. Last night, I was upset, but rather than hitting my husband with pillows or trying to converse with him after he had fallen asleep or just holding it in, I wrote him an email explaining my feelings and what certain actions, etc, had said to me. He didn’t directly respond, but he was more attentive today, so I think he read it. Additionally, I just found out he has off the 31st and 1st. So, if I feel the need to be home with my husband and cats, where I can begin to just sleep and tackle my life and maybe see Sherlock Holmes with him (again?), my family would understand.

I’ve been packing two weeks’ worth of stuff for a long weekend, so I am going to be using a great deal of restraint when packing for this trip, attempting to remember that, everywhere I go, there is free laundry and the chance to stop at a CVS for anything I’ve forgotten or run out of.

On another note, we were snowed in this weekend. On Saturday afternoon, it was snowing hard and, with over a foot on the ground already, we knew the day would be spent indoors. So I decided to take some holiday photos early that afternoon.

Leela had been curled in a very tight ball on the guest bed and was woken with her bows first. She was affronted and, when I persisted, she got up and ran away. The only time I saw her afterwards, that day, was for a few minutes after I fed her. She’s mostly kept her distance today as well.

Stewie, on the other hand, was sleeping in the middle of our comforter looking oh-so-cozy. I covered him with bows and he purred away as I snapped some pictures as Leela looked on with horror. Then he proceeded to attempt to play with / annihilate the bows. When I took them away, he went back to sleep.

Later that night, I took a picture of our tree. It was going to be a picture of Leela on or by our tree, but she was not cooperative. The gifts underneath are mostly (1) gifts from my parents for Peter, (2) gifts from my parents for me that will be too heavy for me to travel with, (3) gifts from my older brother & his wife, and (4) gifts from me to Peter (his to me will be under there at the last minute, as always).

Our Bedecked Kitty-cats

XMas Tree 2009

This year, Christmas has been a bit tainted. It’s always been hard to spend Christmas away from my parents and siblings and have a more secular holiday with Peter’s family, but it usually helped that I can always visit before New Years (school holidays have always applied). However, this year, I kind of feel like I’m along for the ride, with Peter because I’m expected to be rather than because my presence would enhance the holiday for him or its lack would cause more than a hasty, awkward explanation. I think he’s trying to be more supportive, he just is having trouble understanding how much of what’s going on with me is psychological and how much is physical; it’s hard to believe that soldiering through and ignoring my fibromyalgia and only dealing with it when it’s horrible is avoiding the situation (just as much as only dealing with my depression when I’m about to kill myself would be), and going on disability and doing whatever needs to be done until I find something that works and a way to cope on a daily basis is actually active, tackling the situation head-on. Hopefully, he’s seeing the changes I’m making and how hard I’m working to improve both our lives, to make coming home to me and this house each day something he does not dread, and that will translate to more closeness and togetherness over the holiday (because we are spending quite a long while in Buffalo, especially considering how short Thanksgiving was and how detached we were from each other).

But that’s just one small Grinch compared to what’s going on with my family. There’s a lot of drama in the NY-tristate area. Christmas (or, more specifically, Christmas Eve) has been my mother’s one big holiday. It’s the only religious holiday she really feels comfortable observing, and she often shows her love through her thoughtfully-chosen gifts, so there’s a lot of love going around. There has been some fallout from Thanksgiving. My 46-year-old older sister (her stepdaughter) has been pulling power plays and, since she didn’t “win” Thanksgiving but she’s Jewish, she convinced my older brother and his wife not to go to my parents’ for Christmas eve, but to only do it at their home on Christmas Day. If they’d decided this 8 or 6 years ago, when the kids were infants, that would have made sense, but now they’re old enough for the drive and old enough to behave and…  well, I won’t be there for Christmas Eve and Jay’s girlfriend will be visiting and monopolizing his attention starting Christmas Day, and it’s all just hit my mom harder than it otherwise would have.

My mother feels like her world has slowly been falling apart. My brother is out in LA and it looks like his relationship is getting very serious (he’s having a lot of difficulty dealing with living apart from Sarah). I’m down in Maryland and considering moving to somewhere we can get more support, which is not near her, but near Peter’ s whole extended family (and many friends) 8 hours away in Buffalo. (Of course, if we do a trial separation, I’d be living with my parents and he’d be in Buffalo, but I’m hoping it won’t come to that.)

Aside from me and my siblings, her mother is dying in the hospital of pneumonia. My grandmother is 90 years old, 85 lbs, and 5′4″. She’s had Alzheimers for 20 years or more, and been in an assisted living facility for 13 years (3 years before I even met my husband). My mother has been all alone in dealing with her mother and her mother’s affairs for the past 20 years and my brother (especially Jay; he’s been home for more of it) and I have worked hard to support her, and I’m sure my dad has done his best too (but he tends to respond with logic, which doesn’t always work when you just need to vent feelings). For the first 10 years or more, my mother visited her mother every single Friday, watching her slowly deteriorate. My maternal grandmother was the sweetest, most loving and selfless person you could ever meet… 95% of the time. The other 5% was a true 180-degree change and a cause of very mixed feelings, especially considering it was a more 60/40 mix back when she was raising my mom. However, my grandmother was my mother’s guiding influence when it comes to how to take care of a family and how to truly celebrate a holiday, and the timing of her imminent passing, as well as the fact that she is “finally” passing, is extraordinarily painful for my mother. Since Jay’s in LA, it’ll be best if I can be there before and for the funeral.

But leaving, and then getting on that plane for Buffalo, will be very difficult.