Approximately four weeks have passed since my last post and so very much is milling around my mind to write about that I am writing this post just to recognize all that I will talk about when I can:

• The bathroom is finished. Finally. It’s beautiful and not completely moved into yet, but being fully used. It was completed Friday night, at 11pm on the 23rd, and we began to use it Sunday evening. I will be fully accustomed to it after everything has been put away for a while… so, in a month or so.

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  
• The front of our home is no longer a jungle. Perhaps over-pruned, but I can plant at my leisure. It was a gift from my mom.
• L.A. was wonderful. We had really needed to get away from life and enjoy ourselves. I enjoyed connecting with my brother and even got to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and find out just how very much we both have in common (poor guy). It was also wonderful getting to know Grandma Susie better and meeting Grandpa Bernie and their dog, Patsy, for the first time. Since Grandpa Bernie is extremely hard-of-hearing and is not connected to the internet, I have purchased stationery so that I can correspond with him by letter writing. Seeing my in-laws was also nice, although some comments from my husband’s sister went beyond her usual unthinkingly-self-involved zings into personally-cruel territory and I was very proud of myself for neither physically nor verbally attacking her (or even commenting on it to her). The call-her-on-it-and-get-into-a-hysterical-argument gene comes from both sides of my family on X chromosomes (and appears to only get diluted if a Y chromosome is present), as my little brother pointed out, which made me feel even prouder. Someone must have made her more aware of her need to be a little more sensitive, because she didn’t say anything rude at me after that. Overall, it was a wonderful place to visit, and I wish we could fold the globe into the 4th dimension so I could visit my adoptive grandparents and my baby brother far more often, but I would not want to live in a plastic, prop-filled world.
• I’m trying to get my business of the ground. The website is live and it has a facebook page. I have people saying they will send business my way (including the admissions director of a private school for LD students, a parent of two former students, another parent of a summer student, and the head of a local psych group). I have a now-clean rec room with attached powder room that now has matching “powder room” and “laundry room” signs so those doors can stay closed, a soon-to-be-assembled book shelf and computer desk, a printer stand/filing cabinet, a printer/copier/scanner, a soon-to-be-hooked-up computer and soon-to-be-delivered comfy waiting area furniture. A table upstairs will be brought down for tutoring purposes. The kitchen floor is now clear of boxes and junk and soon the surfaces will be too, so that I can advertise to neighbors a low-cost 3pm-5pm homework help time (to drum up business and make nice with them).
• I’m doing eDiets home-delivery to get rid of a chunk of weight. They guarantee 10 lbs in 5 weeks. In addition, I’ve joined the local gyms and pools, which was a package deal that also gives me more access to community events and activities (to shmooze and make friends). Just spending the past week preparing for the diet has had me lose 1.2 lbs.
• I want a dog. Peter does not. The best reason he has is that my health may one day improve greatly, making FT work possible, which is not conducive to dog-ownership. However, I know a dog would get me walking several times a day, every day, and we could get well or be ill together… I am hoping to foster a senior/adult dachshund. Peter thinks bringing anyone new into the household would be hard on the cats. But me being alone all day and dependent on Peter for amusement (as well as every project that I do, which all seem to involve heavy lifting to some degree) is hard on everyone. Also, doing obedience or agility or just a dog park with the dog would be another way to meet people. Since the summer is a slow time for tutors AND I’m limiting myself to 2 hrs/day of work, and I need an interactive project to keep me from obsessing over buying stuff or food or whatever else I could possibly obsess about, and I’m so incredibly lonely, I think this is the perfect solution.  So, I’m filling out long online paperwork, hoping a good match is out there and that Peter will give in if the house is clean enough and he’s getting enough of what he wants. We’ll talk about it seriously during our couple’s-counseling session Monday (along with the fact that we BOTH HATE that I am so dependent on him to do things that will enable my projects, so I don’t push, but it hurts me when he shows such disinterest in helping with getting my business started or clearing out communal space when I’ve already put a lot of work into it, but he needs some down time and relaxation time because he does work a 40-hr week, which is also why I am okay with him spending so very much time out of the house playing Magic: The Gathering with his friends, even though I am desperate for attention), and he’ll see this sometime before then so it won’t blind-side him.

So, that’s about it. A lot going on, all in a tiny span of time and all making laps around the inside of my tiny, youth-hat-sized skull.

Of course, renovations are stressful. Not only is there a lot of money on the line, but there are so many decisions and a great deal of varying levels of skilled labor to deal with. Then, there’s the time demands, the loss of any semblance of a routine, and (in this case) the loss of a bedroom and closet access. It’s enough to tax even the most patient, together, organized person who has plans and subplans and time up the wazoo. However, despite the fact that I am extremely patient when dealing with the disabled (or merely stupid) and I have everything so organized it’s gone ridiculously smoothly even when we’ve hit bumps in the road, I also have fibromyalgia.

FM’s something I’m not good at advocating about; I am more likely to just try to tough things out whenever possible, especially when the only other option is verbally laying into someone repeatedly. Unfortunately, my husband avoids confrontation whenever possible, sees the renovation as My Project and therefore something he just puts up with, does not always see how my FM is being inflamed by what is happening, and has not always been of the “here, let me say or do something so you are as un- uncomfortable as possible” frame of mind. He’s more of the tough-it-out, you-brought-this-on-yourself, if-you-need-to-embarrass-me-by-using-a-cane-you-shouldn’t-go-out mentality. And I can’t have my mommy call his mommy. In fact, I didn’t have the subcontractor’s (I’m sorry, “project manager”) cell number until Wednesday, when he called me at 9:45 to say he was running a little late and would be here by 10:30-11, which wound up being 11:45.

But tonight, as he went home yet again saying “all I have left is…” (which was what he said Tuesday morning, claiming he’d be done by the end of the day), I just lost it and took my carefully organized box of “last details” to innumerate them all with him and made it clear that I expected him to be here during the day. That was as harsh as I got. He left. I’ll see him bright and early (”earlier than the usual time”… so, maybe not long after 9?) tomorrow and make it clear that he needs to physically stay here until the job’s complete because I need to be able to have plenty of time to clean the bedroom while it’s still light out. I’ve also sent an email to his boss to let him know that that’s the expectation.

The issue is really how the stress interacts with my fibromyalgia. I am hypervigilant during the hours they are expected to arrive/return as well as during the time they are here. I wake at 8 and rush to get dressed and ready. I’m lucky if they’re here by 9:30. They often leave for supplies, men, etc. (a lot of etcetera), as well as meals. But after 4 they work until somewhere between 6 and 11pm, with only 1 or 2 trips out. However, that gives me 12 hours of vigilance (unless I collapse into a brief nap that usually just leaves me feeling nauseous). Add to that the fact that I’m not in my own bed and there are no quiet corners to hide in, and I might as well be working for all the pain I’m in. Plus, I don’t feel comfortable leaving the house except for an emergency (out of a vital Rx or a very necessary doctor’s appt) and as we get closer to the end, they need immediate input (and reminders that what he named isn’t close to all that needs to be done, even if it all fits into a small box) often enough that I’m kept on my toes. Also, as the subcontractor/PM said that he’s not coming back once he’s done unless there’s a case of gross negligence, I check up on the project often enough that I caught the mistake of the backwards shower door (so the special water-beads-up coating was on the outside of the shower) today.

If my husband could have played the bad guy or even just hadn’t had a tough-it-out/we-knew-what-we-were-getting-into approach, I might have said something to minimize the effect this is all having on my body. But, then again, I could have mentioned that the longer days (a direct result of their less-than-determined daytime work) was having a negative impact on my pain index, or even that having the distraction of his calm company playing a game or going out for an hour would help, especially given how little I saw him this weekend… But, instead, couple’s therapy Monday night and the Sabres’ playoff game Wednesday night each magnified my stress and pain exponentially, and Peter’s refusal to commiserate with me or even listen to me bitch has really driven me crazy. But, again, I could have said something. Even exploding about it is better for me than holding it in.

But then, even 13.5 years later, I’m still the girl who went down below 95lbs and up to a near-toxic level of medication because I wouldn’t let my weakness discommode anyone by complaining about the lack of effects or the overabundance of side-effects (such as panic attacks, school phobia, and a marked increase in my depression and suicidal thoughts). I just said that yes, I do want to get better and will do my best to try to tolerate a higher dosage.

Tomorrow morning, though, I have a facial I’d rescheduled from Wednesday evening that I refuse to cancel (even if it makes my face look worse, I should heal in a week’s time), and Saturday is my body-glow-and-wrap. These should be relaxing, moisturizing, slough off dead skin, and include at least some scalp massage. And, once we’ve left for Cali, I can relax during the day on Thursday and Friday of our vacation next week (family stress starting Friday night, despite my awareness that it is all in my own head, will negate the relaxation factor of any breaks I take the remainder of the time).

Ahhhhhhhh… I feel better now that I’ve gotten this all down/out. I know I can’t control people and I really don’t want to be a bitch or OCD, but I also have feelings I need to get out and if I dump them on Peter, he feels responsible in some way or somehow I’m not doing the mature adult thing of sucking it up and dealing with the consequences of my choice to renovate the bathroom. Maybe now, I’ll be able to fall asleep

By the way, the bathroom does look gorgeous and luxurious, despite its tiny size.

This weekend and next week, I will be doing (with help from my sweet, loving, patient husband) some much needed spring & pre-renovation cleaning. With the closing on the mortgage-refinance happening tomorrow and nearly all our materials in our living room, the renovation of the master bath will be happening imminently. So, the following are much-needed projects:

Pre-Reno #1: Hall Bathroom
Since we’ll be using the hall bathroom instead of the master, everything we need for daily use will be going in there.

• Identify most-often-used makeup and my good brushes and put them in a small travel case.
• Organize less-used makeup into groups and put into separate cases or garbage:
  • Old or useless (garbage)
  • Lip
  • Eye
  • Cheek
  • Brushes
  • Body Products/Gifts
• Do the same with products UNDER the sink!
• Remove books
• Clean the floor, toilet, tank, and vanity

Pre-Reno #2: Guest Room
The master bath is directly attached to the master bedroom. Therefore, we will need to be able to sleep elsewhere during demo, naptime, or smelly portions of the renovation. Also, having guests over would be nice.

• Move ironing board to laundry room
• Move computer to rec room, by my school/tutoring items
• Store luggage temporarily in laundry room
• Move clothing boxes to my study, to be organized while reno is happening into 25% “store” and 75% “donate”
• Purchase new bedding
• Clean room with dustpan & brush
• Vacuum room and hallway
• Swiffer room and hallway
• Swiffer-wet room and hallway
• Move additional items (frames, etc) into my study, to be organized and stored during reno

Pre-Reno #3: Master Bath
The master bath has a lot of items roughly organized, so they’ll be pretty easy to move for the reno.

• Items in medicine cabinet to be transferred to hall bath’s cabinet or put into a small box
• Store under-sink and next-to-be-used (new toothpaste, deodorant, etc) items in a large, open box
• Headbands and under-counter bins into my study
• Jewelry put on or away
• Daily-use items will be moved the morning before demolition

Spring Cleaning #1: Windows

• Clean glass of the door’s sidelight
• Clean each sliding glass door’s glass and the slider-area
• Clean cobwebs & grossness from inner-sills
• Clean windows

Spring Cleaning #2: Deck

• Find a way to get all cushions clean (dry clean or repeatedly wash)
• Sweep away leaves
• Throw away boxes from furniture or other garbage
• Clean away cob-webs from underhanging
• Clean furniture with Formula 409 or Lysol Wipes

Spring Cleaning #3: Front of House

• Remove chair and other garbage
• Clean away cobwebs
• Get wheelbarrow and tiller and till-up ivy, weeds, and anything else growing & remove top inches of soil
• Remove dead bushes
• Move/remove small holly tree-bush
• Prune bush, hedges, and tree
• Distribute wood chips

Other Project #1: Kitchen

• Remove random items from dining-portion of kitchen
• Clear out craft items from buffet
• Organize paperwork for taxes
• Clean kitchen top-to-bottom

Other Project #2: Create Tutoring Room

• Old, icky laundry
• Clean rec room
• Clean basement bathroom
• Get, put together, and fill bookcase in rec room
• Set up multi-function printer and small filing area in rec room
• Find low-cost seating & coffee table for waiting area of rec room

My mother visited this week. She arrived Sunday, Pi Day, the day after my 30th birthday, and stayed until this evening. Almost exactly 5 full days of being silly, eating delicious food, reminiscing, and – oh yeah – tons and tons of cleaning up my life.

Monday, my mother and I cleaned out my study (and what had spilled into the hall). Even the books that I was planning to bring downstairs, she brought downstairs. It was amazing, the lifting and carrying – and this was only the beginning! The only mess left over is the paperwork and CDs and such on my desk, and the table is still up there but, for now, it’s welcome.

Tuesday, we cleaned all my stuff out of my classroom. It was stressful and sad, and it was so much easier having my mom with me. Then we went to the mall, checked out Nordstrom’s, bought some little things at Sephora and got my birthday gift, and… we purchased new eyeglasses! I know that doesn’t sound huge, but if you wear glasses every day and haven’t gotten a new pair in 4 years, it’s a big deal. I got the same shape I had before, but in blue with some silver accents. My mother got a pair, too: wire-rimmed tortoiseshell glasses that are very round on bottom and somewhat round on top. She says they’re Daniel Jackson from “Stargate: SG1″ glasses, not Harry Potter glasses. My first reaction was that they looked silly, but I got used to them quickly and they look very nice on her oval face.

Daniel Jackson from Stargate: SG1

Wednesday, my mother and I tackled the bathroom renovation. We first visited a high-end tile store and found a perfect tile for the shower and floor and a mosaic tile I really liked, too. They gave us a sample of the tile and we went to Home Depot to look at pre-assembled vanities and linen cabinets, as well as prefabricated counters. Not only did we find them in clearance, but they were just perfect for the tile and the room.

cabinetry

Then, we found tiles that were the same color for 1/5 the price and a similar, but less dark, mosaic tile! It took hours and I was exhausted and just sat down in pain half-way through, but the comparing of similar tiles, selecting the edging tile (which is marble), and just finding what I was hoping for was sooooo worth it, and it would have taken me weeks and left me feeling dissatisfied if I hadn’t had my mother with me.

Due to my pain and flagging energy, I asked my mom to stay an extra day so we could actually spend time enjoying each other and doing things at a more leisurely pace. Luckily, she could stay! So, Thursday, we went sneaker shopping and my mother spent nearly an hour taking every single box and bag and random piece of clothing out of my car and down into the basement, where I will be setting up a room for tutoring and waiting (for parents) / game-playing (for friends who we have over).

I have been driving around with 2 classrooms and 1 cubicle in my car since leaving my PT job tutoring special needs college students in October 2008 for an “amazing” opportunity to head up math curriculum for a national virtual charter school (an alternative to, or version of, homeschooling). I have felt homeless and embarrassed of my situation and it (along with my study) was an albatross I dragged around for years, adding to it, letting it spill into my kitchen to make room for groceries…

I can’t even put into words the freedom and hope my mother has given me, just by helping me with all this. I can totally handle the other projects in my life now that this has been sorted out and dealt with. The bathroom stuff was fun and helpful, but the cleaning up of my – well, of my life, really – was such an incredible weight off my shoulders, I get teary just thinking about it. I feel such hope about being a functioning professional special ed math tutor, with room to have a personal life.

Thursday afternoon and Friday, my mother and I just had fun and watched some episodes of “The Big Bang Theory,” including the newish episode of Sheldon getting stuck trying to solve a problem involving electrons moving through a graphite surface (I believe), the episode in which Penny dislocates her shoulder and Sheldon drives her to the hospital, and the episode in which Leonard’s mom first comes to visit.

I dropped her off at the local Amtrak, but I miss her already. Yes, having a close friend nearby would be nice, but it wouldn’t take the place of the wonderfulness of a visit from my mommy. I wish we could just spend a day together every week, or a weekend each month. However, I still haven’t managed to fold the Earth into the 4th dimension so that travel time would be inconsequential. Unfortunately, we’re both on our best behavior, because visits are rare…We love each other, but we can drive each other bananas. If we lived near each other, tears would be shed, neither of our husbands would be able to put up living with us, and killing sprees might not be an impossibility.

So, thanks to my mother, who cleaned up my study, my classroom, my car, and filled my basement (and my husband, who cleaned up my computer and loves all of me, including my craziness), I now start my 4th decade full of hope and excitement over all the possibilities.

On Friday, I visited the school I’m currently on leave from, met with the principal, visited the math department, and met my new long-term-sub.

My principal is very understanding but told me that he felt he had to put me on the “First Year’s I Don’t Intend to Keep” list, due to my significant absences. However, he will keep me on this year as long as the sick leave bank pays for my being out (so I need to be reapproved every 20 school days, for up to 100) and  if I do return and perform exceptionally well, that may change. I was very happy he was that honest. Regardless, he also does not anticipate a part-time position being available next year, so I will probably be looking for another position internally and externally for next school year.

The principal also gave me “my” second semester schedule, which includes only 1 co-taught class and added a section of Personal Finance (which is extremely well planned-out, so I just have to make copies and deliver the material). Seeing my classroom, seeing coworkers, and meeting my newest long-term sub (the last sub got a full-time full-benefits position elsewhere so he started with the semester this past week). Since the chemistry teacher’s  back from maternity-leave, her sub was given to my classes and they seem to be in good hands.

The principal and my department head were both extremely clear about the one essential thing that decides my date of return, be it March 1st (half-way through 3rd quarter, with Spring Break at the end of the month as a nice breather) or mid-April (the start of 4th quarter): I must be able to have 100% attendance. Any short-cuts that can minimize my stress are okay, but I must grade things on-time, maintain communication with parents, follow-through, and have a strong classroom presence.

That gave me a lot to think about. Afterwards, rather than going to the gym as planned, I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Target and shopped for 4 hours. Then I finished cleaning the Laundry Room floor free of sticky detergent and carried in and down a 6-foot folding table, garbage can, and 3 laundry bins, successfully creating a useable and comfortable laundry center. Saturday, I was FAR less achy than expected.

After having slept 12 hours last night, I tested my auditory strength. In other words, I turned on the dishwasher and hung out in the living room. Unfortunately, despite all the sleep I had had and all the progress I had otherwise made, I still went into auditory overload in 20 minutes and went upstairs and turned on my iPod and lay in bed. Four hours later, I woke up to Peter calling to say he’d be home from his Magic prerelease event shortly. I still have a headache and am feeling like my ears hurt. After that, I’m losing hope that I can have the tools I need to return to teaching 30 social teenagers even by April.

Before I return, I’ll have to:

1. work on CBT to minimize auditory overloading (in addition to my other CBT goals),
2. put myself in positions in which I’ll have to cope with uncomfortable, changing sounds for long periods of time, and
3. spend a week or two transitioning in as a last-chance test.

I miss teaching so much it hurts, like an ulceration of my soul. I’m not even tutoring right now, which I did while I was working on curriculum in a cubicle last school year. I’m back to being a student in my dreams, now, and am having nightmares almost every time I sleep about can’t-remember-what-classes-I-have-when and behind-on-my-work. 

So I’m going to email my psychologist (and myself) my CBT goals for the next month-plus so I can return to teaching, which are:

• Be in touch with my body’s aches and pains
• Find a way to avoid channeling frustration/stress/anger into my body
• Purposefully tune out body pain and not transmit it into emotions
• Believe that, most of the time, my “Good Enough” is spectacular and perfection is to be avoided
• Minimize auditory overloading or desensitize myself in some way

I will also apply to internal openings, and get my resume together for external openings. The Sick-Leave-Bank application for the month of February is in the mail. In addition, I’m going to go to the gym at least 4 days this week.

This week, I’m also going to work on my room to the point that the floor can be walked on, the table can be removed, and the desk is clear. I will also be organizing/clearing the vanity in the master bathroom.

And, yes, I’ll still have time to rheuminate over how much I miss being an educator. I always do.