On Friday, I visited the school I’m currently on leave from, met with the principal, visited the math department, and met my new long-term-sub.

My principal is very understanding but told me that he felt he had to put me on the “First Year’s I Don’t Intend to Keep” list, due to my significant absences. However, he will keep me on this year as long as the sick leave bank pays for my being out (so I need to be reapproved every 20 school days, for up to 100) and  if I do return and perform exceptionally well, that may change. I was very happy he was that honest. Regardless, he also does not anticipate a part-time position being available next year, so I will probably be looking for another position internally and externally for next school year.

The principal also gave me “my” second semester schedule, which includes only 1 co-taught class and added a section of Personal Finance (which is extremely well planned-out, so I just have to make copies and deliver the material). Seeing my classroom, seeing coworkers, and meeting my newest long-term sub (the last sub got a full-time full-benefits position elsewhere so he started with the semester this past week). Since the chemistry teacher’s  back from maternity-leave, her sub was given to my classes and they seem to be in good hands.

The principal and my department head were both extremely clear about the one essential thing that decides my date of return, be it March 1st (half-way through 3rd quarter, with Spring Break at the end of the month as a nice breather) or mid-April (the start of 4th quarter): I must be able to have 100% attendance. Any short-cuts that can minimize my stress are okay, but I must grade things on-time, maintain communication with parents, follow-through, and have a strong classroom presence.

That gave me a lot to think about. Afterwards, rather than going to the gym as planned, I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Target and shopped for 4 hours. Then I finished cleaning the Laundry Room floor free of sticky detergent and carried in and down a 6-foot folding table, garbage can, and 3 laundry bins, successfully creating a useable and comfortable laundry center. Saturday, I was FAR less achy than expected.

After having slept 12 hours last night, I tested my auditory strength. In other words, I turned on the dishwasher and hung out in the living room. Unfortunately, despite all the sleep I had had and all the progress I had otherwise made, I still went into auditory overload in 20 minutes and went upstairs and turned on my iPod and lay in bed. Four hours later, I woke up to Peter calling to say he’d be home from his Magic prerelease event shortly. I still have a headache and am feeling like my ears hurt. After that, I’m losing hope that I can have the tools I need to return to teaching 30 social teenagers even by April.

Before I return, I’ll have to:

1. work on CBT to minimize auditory overloading (in addition to my other CBT goals),
2. put myself in positions in which I’ll have to cope with uncomfortable, changing sounds for long periods of time, and
3. spend a week or two transitioning in as a last-chance test.

I miss teaching so much it hurts, like an ulceration of my soul. I’m not even tutoring right now, which I did while I was working on curriculum in a cubicle last school year. I’m back to being a student in my dreams, now, and am having nightmares almost every time I sleep about can’t-remember-what-classes-I-have-when and behind-on-my-work. 

So I’m going to email my psychologist (and myself) my CBT goals for the next month-plus so I can return to teaching, which are:

• Be in touch with my body’s aches and pains
• Find a way to avoid channeling frustration/stress/anger into my body
• Purposefully tune out body pain and not transmit it into emotions
• Believe that, most of the time, my “Good Enough” is spectacular and perfection is to be avoided
• Minimize auditory overloading or desensitize myself in some way

I will also apply to internal openings, and get my resume together for external openings. The Sick-Leave-Bank application for the month of February is in the mail. In addition, I’m going to go to the gym at least 4 days this week.

This week, I’m also going to work on my room to the point that the floor can be walked on, the table can be removed, and the desk is clear. I will also be organizing/clearing the vanity in the master bathroom.

And, yes, I’ll still have time to rheuminate over how much I miss being an educator. I always do.

We have a tiny master bathroom with relatively old fixtures. Additionally, we’ll need to do a little patchwork or completely replace the bath tub before selling. In fact, we’re not even using that shower right now (which is a nice change, since it’s a little claustrophobic with a cloudy shower door.

Now, we’re not necessarily moving anytime soon. However, we don’t want to put wear and tear on another bathroom that we may eventually (after a year or two) discover we’ll have to make the same decision over. Plus, I keep leaving my towel in the other bathroom.

I spoke with my mortgage broker and we have 2 options when we refinance at a lower rate: we could refinance the entire mortgage and wind up paying a few hundred (2-4) less each month OR we could add $5000 to the principal and pay $100 less each month. Either way, we pay less. The $5000 would go toward landscaping the front for curb appeal and less maintenance AND redoing the shower-tub of the master bathroom.

I think we should actually redo the master bath. On average, a bathroom remodel brings in 100% of its cost and could get a home to sell faster. If we do it now, we can enjoy it too. Basically, nothing too fancy or expensive or taste-specific, no moving things around, just something nicer/less dated than what is there, which will make the room more appealing. What I propose is, since we’d have to tear out tile, why not make the room seem larger? We make it a large shower (no tub) with new, higher fixtures (but relatively inexpensive). If we put in some frameless sliding doors, it could look like part of the room rather than a giant wall. In addition, since we’ll need more tile and the white tile with brown flecks always looks dirty, we could put in ceramic or porcelain tile that looks like pale ivory marble. We can paint the walls a slightly darker tone than the cream we have (so a pale, warm brown) or maybe the cream color will make it flow more seamlessly. Otherwise, the flooring is fine, so no need to change that, but if money’s left over, maybe a new vanity or  vanity top or new sink faucet, and definitely spend a buck to put a new pull on the vanity door. It could be sooo nice to use while we still live here, and “updated master bath” is often a big eye-catcher, which could get us more traffic and a better sale.

Or we can use a whole lot of caulk and scrubbing and hope potential buyers will just be happy with it as it is.

If we stay here a year and a half, we may pay back some of that $5000, and we’ll still pay less than we already budget for. Once materials are in place, it should only take a couple of days, so it wouldn’t put us out much.

Then again, a few hundred less to pay a month could pay for caulk, patchwork, and landscaping. So it should be interesting to see what my husband decides (I’m putting the decision in his hands – he has 1 week).

I have come to realize that one of the largest issues with harmoniously living together and cleaning up both the house and my car is dealing with “my room.” You see, the townhome we own has 4 bedrooms: one is the master bedroom, one is the guest/cats’ room, one is Peter’s man-cave, and the fourth is my room, an office/reflection room which was to hold all my toys and educational materials and give me somewhere to sit and quietly read. The feminine version of a man-cave.

In the summer of 2008, I cleaned it up and organized it and began to use it again. But once I got a full-time job doing curriculum work, it once again became a dumping ground.

I’ve been finding quite often that I wish I could have somewhere to go and read, or just remove myself from the living room but not hang out in the bedroom (where I’d inevitably fall asleep). Furthermore, because I don’t have a room of my own to go to, Peter’s activities seem to be cramped by my taking over the living room.

Although I could probably sit in the chair by the window in my room, entering the room and maneuvering around in it is quite hazardous to my health. It’s not that it would take more than a couple of hours to clear up, but then I have more stuff that needs to go in, and a lot of it is on-the-floor work, and it does involve moving some heavy stuff. Also, some things need decisions to be made about them, and some things need to be stored (else I’ll need another bookcase). Then there are the things in my car and in the kitchen, all of which would need to be gone through and possibly would belong in my room. Perhaps I can have a bookcase and storage of some sort in the rec room in the basement, where things could go without being “dumped” there.

Regardless, I cannot physically do this on my own. In fact, in order to remove the table from my room and bring it downstairs (which I’d hoped the burly 1-800-GOT-JUNK would do, along with moving the romance novels and bookcases into the basement, when we decided on a date and I properly prepared for it… but the next day it was sprung upon me with no notice, and I just occasionally hope that this part of my walker or that large gold-framed mirror were not taken).

I find myself looking at various rooms and considering tasks, but discarding them because (1) too much physical labor is involved, (2) I can’t do it alone, or (3) I worry a large part of the task would involve putting items in a room that can’t fit anything.

So, I’m going to selfishly ignore the kitchen and our bedroom and the guest room and everything else (just trying to maintain the living room) and focus on doing a tiny bit in my room each day. I assume that, once I’ve organized to a certain point, Peter will help me out if I can say definitively and concisely what should be moved elsewhere (with a plan for storing/organizing it), what can be thrown out or donated, and what I need help putting away.

However, I’m on my own with going through it. My husband won’t help me, no matter how I ask. My mother will only help by hiring help – I begged her several times in the summer and fall to come help me, but she was overwhelmed by my brother’s move and the holidays and now just either offers to hire someone or argues about my husband not helping and has even asked me to help her go through my grandmother’s stuff. Oddly enough, my older sister is the only person I can think of who might be able and willing to pick up and come down and help… in fact, my car would probably wind up empty & clean, but it would probably all wind up in the basement, and I don’t know if she’d be able to help me sort my stuff or understand saving this item or that book…  but I am definitely keeping her in mind if it’s March and I still don’t have an empty car.

In any event, I’m focusing on my stuff and my room and the rest can just wait. After all, once my room is in order, I can decide what to do with other items (although now I’m definitely thinking a giant bookcase in the rec room with inexpensive cubby-bins would be awesome). This also will give me something to focus on that doesn’t get edited depending on whether we’re moving this summer or next.

I’m off to Amazon.com now to research inexpensive big bookcases and cubbies.

My doctors all suggest exercise as a necessary part of fibromyalgia pain relief. A good article to read regarding fibromyalgia and exercise is from Web MD. Basically, all studies suggest that lack of exercise leads to more pain and degenerated muscles. The goal is low-impact, low-stress exercise.

My family is oddly insisting that I sit and do NOTHING, which is also what my body keeps asking me to do. My older brother’s wife had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Later, she developed Fibromyalgia as well. The pain she had due to muscle degeneration was off the charts. Also, it took something like 10 years for her to get better, and I am not willing to wait that long. So my goal is to not have that happen. Losing weight and improving muscle strength and flexibility will all lessen my pain. If nothing else, it will also make me more in tune with my body.

So I have been working on the Wii for at least 15 minutes each day, unless I do significant exercise that day (a big outing with a lot of walking, such as grocery shopping, would count). But I’m finding Yoga on the Wii to be less than relaxing, regardless of the program. However, tomorrow I will try the regular exercises from Your Shape, and that may be better. Regardless, Wii will be my fitness backup. My primary fitness source will be a local program that gives residents of my town a 60-day membership, complete with two 30-minute personal training sessions each week, freedom to sign up for any of their classes (such as beginner’s yoga, water aerobics) and use their facilities (pools, hot water therapy, fitness equipment, etc.) at any time. I’m hoping to do yoga and water aerobics on the two days that I’m not with a personal trainer, and then I will do Wii’s Your Shape or Wii Fit Plus for 15-30 minutes on the other three days (although any sexual activity may shorten that time, I’ve decided that I will not count it toward my exercise).

I don’t know what will happen in the near or distant future if I’m let go from my job, but I do know that this will help my situation no matter what, and hopefully I can use it in conjunction with CBT to improve my stress and pain management skills, and who can beat such personalized treatment for $60!? As you may know by now, I’m a planner, so at least this is one part of my life that I can control and will get me out of bed and out of the house in the morning.

It is nearly 2010 and I am preparing myself for the coming year. As must have become evident, I am a planner. Unfortunately, my body is one giant variable, far more so than the Buffalo job market or the Maryland real estate market. 

While visiting Peter’s family, my time sleeping on the rock-hard futon really did a number on me and I haven’t been able to recover since, no matter how much I sleep, how much time is spent relaxing, or how little I do. I’m beginning to seriously doubt that I can return to work this school year. If I get approved by the sick leave bank, we have some time. If not, we’ll have to step it up. I can’t move until I am no longer part of the “sick leave bank”, but we should move very soon after because our income will be significantly limited. So this is my plan.

• Peter will need to get his resume together ASAP and begin applying to jobs in Buffalo. He can work toward a teaching job, but it will probably take a year.
• I will discuss changing our mortgage to interest-only to lower the payments.
• I will work on getting the house cleared out and cleaned up and talk to a real estate agent so it can go on the market.
• I will send my resume to a school in Buffalo for kids with LD, to the local BOCES, post it on a few websites, etc, and work to get my Students with Disabilities certifications updated. I will also contact two local temp agency (one for health care, one for administrative jobs).
• When we move, we will either live with Peter’s parents until the house sells or move into a rental. Either way, our new rent/mortgage must be under $800, since my disability insurance will be paying $750 until I can return to work.

Oh, and throughout, I’ll:

• exercise 15 minutes to an hour each day with my new Wii Yoga and Wii Your Shape
• work harder to maintain my diet by eating healthily and snacking far less. (My goal is to lose 40 lbs over the year (I lost 20 this past year) and feel healthier, even if I’m in pain.)
• self-advocate more
• be a more active participant in my relationships with siblings and friends
• help out around the house more and work with my husband on our relationship.

Hopefully, I can manage all this, and I hope to have help and support from my husband, family, and friends.