I’m back in special ed math teacher mode. Not that I have any students right now, nor do I have the ability to clean the kitchen sufficiently to tutor. However, I am thinking and planning. As a wise little boy once said, “I think every day,” and the same is true of his big sister.

For my students, I need to be able to figure out as quickly as possible WHY they are having difficulty in math and then formulate a plan. Since I am doing this full-time now (or as full as I can), I should find a systematic way of assessing strengths and weaknesses in various areas… a reasonably-short assessment that covers things like basic numeracy, language, visual-spatial concepts, and far, far more. (I’d be giving too much away to tell you some of the very critical ideas I’ve discovered over the past 6 special-need-student-soaked years.)

I called my father, the neuropsychologist who is ¼-retired and rarely publishes any more, with my idea. I needed not only a respected person backing me, but a psychologist who knows all the tests that are out there and their shortcomings. He’s getting excited over the project, which is very, very good.  He also knows what needs to be done to make it work and has a publisher with whom he’s published his own psychological test that is very much in use. We’ve chatted about it twice now and, now that the demographic has been narrowed to grades 6-12, we are now trying to figure out what specifically needs to be tested and determine how best to do that.

When I was in LA, I started creating a questionnaire for students about their perceived skills in math and other areas, as well as shedding light on the kind of student they are. It’s exhaustive and not the kind of thing that you just add up and say “Ah, so you are a Type G student!” but rather just an indication of what they believe themselves to be capable of and give me a jumping off point on things to start working on, so I can help with some overlying issues right away while I help them with their homework and through that determine underlying issues as we go. But, really, an hour-long assessment (to go along with that) would be awesome.

So I’m using an old project as a jumping off point; I once wrote a guide for math teachers to give them ways to anticipate students’ needs based on their IEP labels. Those anticipated needs could help determine the major areas to test. But it’s old, and I have far more experience now and new things I know to look for, so it’s just a start. However it’s a good, well-organized start.

I’m very excited to be coming out of my “retirement”, since I’d put my teacher-self on a shelf and barely dusted her off much at all for quite a while. Even if this never gets published, it will be helpful to get my dad’s ideas for ways I can assess my students and help them as soon as possible.

Approximately four weeks have passed since my last post and so very much is milling around my mind to write about that I am writing this post just to recognize all that I will talk about when I can:

• The bathroom is finished. Finally. It’s beautiful and not completely moved into yet, but being fully used. It was completed Friday night, at 11pm on the 23rd, and we began to use it Sunday evening. I will be fully accustomed to it after everything has been put away for a while… so, in a month or so.

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  
• The front of our home is no longer a jungle. Perhaps over-pruned, but I can plant at my leisure. It was a gift from my mom.
• L.A. was wonderful. We had really needed to get away from life and enjoy ourselves. I enjoyed connecting with my brother and even got to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and find out just how very much we both have in common (poor guy). It was also wonderful getting to know Grandma Susie better and meeting Grandpa Bernie and their dog, Patsy, for the first time. Since Grandpa Bernie is extremely hard-of-hearing and is not connected to the internet, I have purchased stationery so that I can correspond with him by letter writing. Seeing my in-laws was also nice, although some comments from my husband’s sister went beyond her usual unthinkingly-self-involved zings into personally-cruel territory and I was very proud of myself for neither physically nor verbally attacking her (or even commenting on it to her). The call-her-on-it-and-get-into-a-hysterical-argument gene comes from both sides of my family on X chromosomes (and appears to only get diluted if a Y chromosome is present), as my little brother pointed out, which made me feel even prouder. Someone must have made her more aware of her need to be a little more sensitive, because she didn’t say anything rude at me after that. Overall, it was a wonderful place to visit, and I wish we could fold the globe into the 4th dimension so I could visit my adoptive grandparents and my baby brother far more often, but I would not want to live in a plastic, prop-filled world.
• I’m trying to get my business of the ground. The website is live and it has a facebook page. I have people saying they will send business my way (including the admissions director of a private school for LD students, a parent of two former students, another parent of a summer student, and the head of a local psych group). I have a now-clean rec room with attached powder room that now has matching “powder room” and “laundry room” signs so those doors can stay closed, a soon-to-be-assembled book shelf and computer desk, a printer stand/filing cabinet, a printer/copier/scanner, a soon-to-be-hooked-up computer and soon-to-be-delivered comfy waiting area furniture. A table upstairs will be brought down for tutoring purposes. The kitchen floor is now clear of boxes and junk and soon the surfaces will be too, so that I can advertise to neighbors a low-cost 3pm-5pm homework help time (to drum up business and make nice with them).
• I’m doing eDiets home-delivery to get rid of a chunk of weight. They guarantee 10 lbs in 5 weeks. In addition, I’ve joined the local gyms and pools, which was a package deal that also gives me more access to community events and activities (to shmooze and make friends). Just spending the past week preparing for the diet has had me lose 1.2 lbs.
• I want a dog. Peter does not. The best reason he has is that my health may one day improve greatly, making FT work possible, which is not conducive to dog-ownership. However, I know a dog would get me walking several times a day, every day, and we could get well or be ill together… I am hoping to foster a senior/adult dachshund. Peter thinks bringing anyone new into the household would be hard on the cats. But me being alone all day and dependent on Peter for amusement (as well as every project that I do, which all seem to involve heavy lifting to some degree) is hard on everyone. Also, doing obedience or agility or just a dog park with the dog would be another way to meet people. Since the summer is a slow time for tutors AND I’m limiting myself to 2 hrs/day of work, and I need an interactive project to keep me from obsessing over buying stuff or food or whatever else I could possibly obsess about, and I’m so incredibly lonely, I think this is the perfect solution.  So, I’m filling out long online paperwork, hoping a good match is out there and that Peter will give in if the house is clean enough and he’s getting enough of what he wants. We’ll talk about it seriously during our couple’s-counseling session Monday (along with the fact that we BOTH HATE that I am so dependent on him to do things that will enable my projects, so I don’t push, but it hurts me when he shows such disinterest in helping with getting my business started or clearing out communal space when I’ve already put a lot of work into it, but he needs some down time and relaxation time because he does work a 40-hr week, which is also why I am okay with him spending so very much time out of the house playing Magic: The Gathering with his friends, even though I am desperate for attention), and he’ll see this sometime before then so it won’t blind-side him.

So, that’s about it. A lot going on, all in a tiny span of time and all making laps around the inside of my tiny, youth-hat-sized skull.

I’m turning the dumping ground that is “my” room into a sitting room that will house my romance novels, education library, and electronics. Anything I don’t recognize or remember purchasing, I will look at as an exciting find rather than a distressing sign of ECT-induced damage (I can’t consider myself a victim of the ECT – it was a life-saving decision and I am getting some memories back and am not losing new memories… but that’s a whole other discussion). So what do I need to do sort through my past and reclaim My Room?

STAGE 1: Sorta Majora
I will go through everything that is all over the floor and my desk and put them in distinct areas.

1. Sewing and Knitting Materials – on top of the table, which against the wall and directly in front of the entrance
2. Clothing - back corner facing the door, behind the table, on top of an unexplored box that I believe holds some clothing.
3. Job-Acquisition Materials - in the top-most clear drawer(s), which is in front of the window, between the chair and the bookcase, diagonal from the door
4. Student work – in the bottom most clear drawer(s)
5. Random papers - in the cardboard perpendicular-sorting boxes on top of the drawers
6. Toys, Teaching Manipulatives, and Electronics - into a clear bin outside the room

STAGE 2: Sortae Minora
Once the mess is generally sorted into groups, I can start to find places for items.  The table can be removed from the room and put into the hallway (folded) or look like a desk in the guest room until we can move it downstairs so it can be a major part of the rec room in the basement.

1. Sewing and Knitting Materials all go into the bins that are in the basement, if there’s room, or into new bins (which are on sale at the supermarket or all over Target).
2. Clothing must be sorted into smaller groups and put away. If it fits and can be worn now, I need to find a place for it in the drawers or my closet. If it is for a special occasion, I can hang it in the closet in Peter’s room. If it is a size or two off, I will put it in storage with similar clothing. If it is unlikely I will ever wear it (like the tissue-paper-thin Old Navy tees), I will put it in a box which will go in the basement and will donate it to Goodwill along with other items that I don’t think I will wear again. 
3. Job-Acquisition Materials can be filed into the file-storage box I got at the supermarket today. Resumes of various ages, recommendations, college/university transcripts, copies of certifications, and even copies of old applications… all of it will go in that file box.
4. Student work will go in a second file box. I will have to be picky and I will have to be willing to throw things out.
5. Random papers will need to be sorted through. If they are craft-related, they’ll go with that stuff. If they instruct me in electronics, they will go in a file folder and be stored with electronics. If they are job-related, I will put them in a file-folder or a file-storage-bin. If they are records of purchases that are tax-related, I will put them downstairs with the tax prep stuff.
6. Toys, Manipulatives, and Electronics will be sorted. Electronics and small toys will go into the colorful set of drawers I have sitting in the kitchen and, if necessary, some cute colorful bins from Target. The clear drawers (which had held the various papers I’d just removed) will go downstairs into the rec room. Manipulatives that are in bins can be stacked downstairs by the drawers or go into the clear drawers. Our family games will also go downstairs into the rec room or living room (depending on Peter’s preferences), along with the games that we keep in Peter’s room.

STAGE 3: Preliminary Work-Space Set-Up

1. Education-related books will be rearranged to display ALL my math and education-reference books as well as any books that I’d make copies from. I will need another bookcase or some special bins in order to store it all. Curriculum, textbooks, and worksheets will have to go downstairs to the rec room along with most of the manipulatives.
2. Desk drawers and organization products will be completely reorganized, my set of little colored drawers will come up to help with organizing CDs, etc. so that the desk top is clear. I will bring my large laptop up and keep it there.

Stage 4: Comfort and Decor Set-up
Part of reclaiming the room is making it a haven to retreat to. This will be the funnest stage and will take the longest.

1. The armchair and ottoman will be clear of everything, except maybe a comfy throw or extra pillow, and ready to be sat in.
2. Novel bookcases will move from the guest room into my room, along the wall that once held the clothing-box and table, and I may add more high shelving so I can display all my snow globes and coaches. This will help make the guest room project easier.
3. Artwork will be displayed. Possibly the watercolor of Venice my parents gave me (they got it on their honeymoon, which I had stowed-away on as a fetus), if Peter doesn’t like it. Otherwise, my funny-bunny poster and/or a set of round mirrors of varying sizes that is currently selling for under $20 at Target.
4. Purses may be displayed vertically along one wall on special hooks, if I can find room and manage it, at least for my favorites. 

Steps 5+: Items From Elsewhere
I have stuff from my previous jobs that are in the kitchen and my car. I also will move the printer/fax/scanner down to the basement and bring the other electronics (which are currently in the living room) upstairs.

It sounds exhausting, but it’s doable with time and help with the heavy lifting. The first step will be hard, but if I don’t try to do any of Step 2 during that step, I’ll get through it in a day. The second step will take a while, but it is essential to making the room and my stuff useable and managable for the long run. I’m determined not to rush to Step 4 until I at least get through Steps 1 and 2, and I can think about it a little, but Steps 5+ will be so much easier if I do steps 2 and 3 thoroughly without jumping ahead.

UPDATE 2/3/10 @ 7:40pm: It looks like I’m going to have to leave Step 1 as it remains after the little sorting I did today and move to Step 2. If I get Part 1 (the craft supplies) and Part 2 (clothing) done tomorrow, I can clear off the table, move the clothing tub partially blocking the doorway, and remove the table from the room, so I have more room to work.

On Friday, I visited the school I’m currently on leave from, met with the principal, visited the math department, and met my new long-term-sub.

My principal is very understanding but told me that he felt he had to put me on the “First Year’s I Don’t Intend to Keep” list, due to my significant absences. However, he will keep me on this year as long as the sick leave bank pays for my being out (so I need to be reapproved every 20 school days, for up to 100) and  if I do return and perform exceptionally well, that may change. I was very happy he was that honest. Regardless, he also does not anticipate a part-time position being available next year, so I will probably be looking for another position internally and externally for next school year.

The principal also gave me “my” second semester schedule, which includes only 1 co-taught class and added a section of Personal Finance (which is extremely well planned-out, so I just have to make copies and deliver the material). Seeing my classroom, seeing coworkers, and meeting my newest long-term sub (the last sub got a full-time full-benefits position elsewhere so he started with the semester this past week). Since the chemistry teacher’s  back from maternity-leave, her sub was given to my classes and they seem to be in good hands.

The principal and my department head were both extremely clear about the one essential thing that decides my date of return, be it March 1st (half-way through 3rd quarter, with Spring Break at the end of the month as a nice breather) or mid-April (the start of 4th quarter): I must be able to have 100% attendance. Any short-cuts that can minimize my stress are okay, but I must grade things on-time, maintain communication with parents, follow-through, and have a strong classroom presence.

That gave me a lot to think about. Afterwards, rather than going to the gym as planned, I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Target and shopped for 4 hours. Then I finished cleaning the Laundry Room floor free of sticky detergent and carried in and down a 6-foot folding table, garbage can, and 3 laundry bins, successfully creating a useable and comfortable laundry center. Saturday, I was FAR less achy than expected.

After having slept 12 hours last night, I tested my auditory strength. In other words, I turned on the dishwasher and hung out in the living room. Unfortunately, despite all the sleep I had had and all the progress I had otherwise made, I still went into auditory overload in 20 minutes and went upstairs and turned on my iPod and lay in bed. Four hours later, I woke up to Peter calling to say he’d be home from his Magic prerelease event shortly. I still have a headache and am feeling like my ears hurt. After that, I’m losing hope that I can have the tools I need to return to teaching 30 social teenagers even by April.

Before I return, I’ll have to:

1. work on CBT to minimize auditory overloading (in addition to my other CBT goals),
2. put myself in positions in which I’ll have to cope with uncomfortable, changing sounds for long periods of time, and
3. spend a week or two transitioning in as a last-chance test.

I miss teaching so much it hurts, like an ulceration of my soul. I’m not even tutoring right now, which I did while I was working on curriculum in a cubicle last school year. I’m back to being a student in my dreams, now, and am having nightmares almost every time I sleep about can’t-remember-what-classes-I-have-when and behind-on-my-work. 

So I’m going to email my psychologist (and myself) my CBT goals for the next month-plus so I can return to teaching, which are:

• Be in touch with my body’s aches and pains
• Find a way to avoid channeling frustration/stress/anger into my body
• Purposefully tune out body pain and not transmit it into emotions
• Believe that, most of the time, my “Good Enough” is spectacular and perfection is to be avoided
• Minimize auditory overloading or desensitize myself in some way

I will also apply to internal openings, and get my resume together for external openings. The Sick-Leave-Bank application for the month of February is in the mail. In addition, I’m going to go to the gym at least 4 days this week.

This week, I’m also going to work on my room to the point that the floor can be walked on, the table can be removed, and the desk is clear. I will also be organizing/clearing the vanity in the master bathroom.

And, yes, I’ll still have time to rheuminate over how much I miss being an educator. I always do.

After discussing the “Chuck” season 3 premiere, I’ve come to realize that my vision of my place in the world is drastically different from my mother’s. She lives in a fall-in-love-and-live-happily-ever-after world, where very little is of any importance outside family. I, as you read in the previous post, believe that God put us each on this Earth to make life just a little bit better. How we each interpret that and achieve it differs, but I believe that if the opportunity comes to make the lives of millions better, our personal desires get put on hold for the common good.

In high school, we joked about going to college for our MRS degrees. Just to put this in context, it was a girls’ school in Greenwich, CT. The joke was that, in many minds, regardless of how brilliant we each were, the point of the making-the-grade and getting-into-college warfare was to get into the best possible school so we could meet the highest caliber man with whom to fall in love. A degree and career of our own was secondary to this and really only a fall-back position for economy or, possibly, meeting a man in the workplace if you don’t snag one in college.

This sounds like something from the 50s or from the odd world that is Greenwich, CT. However, my grandmother taught my mother and myself that women were put on Earth to serve men. We must never make their lives uncomfortable, but should endeavor to meet their every need. She also believed that a woman’s status hinged on what man she was connected to: tall, dark, handsome, and well-connected. My mother rebelled, in a way; she chose a man with a mind superior to that of his peers, despite the fact that he was short, poorly-dressed, had 2 children, and less than gorgeous. However, she did conform to ideal expectations because she fell in love with and married a prime specimen (just not what her mother had considered prime) and has devoted herself to house and home, going on what I jokingly call “extended maternity leave” since giving birth to me over 29 years ago.

When I chose my college, I did it for the academic and social aspects that appealed to me, the ability of an individual to be seen by their professors and to do great things on campus, and because it just felt right. It wasn’t the best school I got into, but it was the best school for me. I didn’t go to college to get my MRS degree, but I did see men as potential spouses, and happily-ever-after (as any Disney Princess will tell you) is just a heartfelt sigh away. I met Peter and he was tall and handsome and perfect for me. He was hot and a sweetheart and remembered my name the day after we met. He was thoughtful and caring and honest. He was brilliant enough in his own right not to be intimidated or threatened by my own natural genius. He also loved to learn. He didn’t love school, but he loved learning. So, like my mother, I fell in love with a man’s brain, and his hot body was just a nice extra. His parents belong to a country club and have connections. However, they live modestly (with plenty of very fun extras, like international travel) and they live in Buffalo. Peter’s family, and Peter himself, aren’t NY or LA jet-setters, and they aren’t New England’s Old Money. But after going to high school in Greenwich, CT, despite my mother’s heartfelt dreams, I knew that that was not a world I wanted to be in. I wanted to be part of a family of down-to-Earth, intelligent, fun, genuine people.

My mother once warned me that my nebulous-future-husband will either have to make $200,000/yr or we’d have to make that much together, in order to live comfortably. We don’t even make $100k combined, but that hasn’t cramped our style.

The thing is, I love my husband so very much that he is a living, breathing part of me. We’ve been together for over a decade. However, I still feel the need to “save the world.” If, before we married, I was given the option of cutting all ties and running away with him or a way to make the world a better place that only I could do, well… I guess everyone has their own fairy tale.

Luckily (very, very, very luckily), I have the luxury of being able to love and be loved, and to eventually raise my own family, while still working to save my little piece of the world, even if it’s just one person at a time.