Equality in a marriage can be difficult to achieve. When children are part of the equation, it’s much easier to set aside the generally selfish desire for procrastination and good-enough for the greater good. However, when children are not part of the equation, both parties avoid confrontation like an overdue-but-still-acceptable-within-the-next-week term paper, and one party has fibromyalgia, it can be much more difficult.

For years, my husband and I have found ways to avoid sucking it up and doing chores that we didn’t feel a pressing need for, like dusting or cleaning the toilet. It can also be very difficult to accept the onus of responsibility for certain chores, since it tends to become Your Job if you do it more than once.

In January 2007, I had my first major, super-duper flare of  fibromyalgia and Peter took up the slack (or, rather, all the chores) while I wore myself out commuting for an hour or two each day and teaching & planning for 10 more hours. Three years later, I go on leave, unable to work due to my fibromyalgia and migraines, but slowly strengthening and rebuilding my body and, as a part of that, taking my life and home back. Our living room is liveable and mostly clutter-free. I have sorted through all the mail from the past 9 months in the kitchen. We cleaned our bedroom, I have cleaned bathrooms, I am organizing “my” room, and I have done many, many, many loads of laundry. In addition, whenever possible, I do all the grocery shopping and errands. So, basically, I do 3 gym visits and 2 home workouts each week and do an errand or chore each day.

Unfortunately, the snow storm has done a great deal to mess up my life. I know, I know, that sounds very dramatic, but I have done yoga nearly every weekday with a DVD (”Healing Yoga for Aches and Pains”), had migraines nearly every day, and gained 4 lbs. To make this worse, although Peter was snowed-in with me most of last week, he spent two hours unburying his car on Tuesday, helped me with cleaning the bedroom Thursday, went to the supermarket with me for one and a half trips (Tuesday and Friday), and went off to play Magic with his friends on Friday evening and all day Sunday (he worked Saturday). He left the dishwasher unloaded many, many times (as though testing me to see if I will take care of it). I was forbidden from trying to unbury my car and Peter did not touch it after his car was free. His newest reason (as of yesterday) was that he wants to use his own shovel, not borrow one (so I searched online, discovered Lowes, Sears, Home Depot, and Target were all out, and ordered one on Amazon to get here by Friday). Monday, I borrowed Peter’s car, did 25 minutes (2.5 miles) on the recumbent elliptical cardio machine at the gym, got the now-crunchy oil and 3 cracking belts changed on Peter’s car, stopped off at Target and picked up some essentials (unfortunately, they refilled the wrong Rx), filled the tank up with gas, came home to unpack and eat lunch, then injured my neck and started a slow leak on Peter’s car trying to get out of his spot (the last burst of snow, he just backed over, but I didn’t enter the spot straight, so…), went to the doctor, worked myself up to talking to Peter about him giving me freedom to use my car or allow me to find and pay someone to dig me out, and then picked up Peter.

By the time Peter came out and got behind the wheel, he had little air in his passenger-side rear tire. After much drama, we were towed and it was patched, it was obvious I didn’t drive on it while it was flat (else it would have been ruined), but I went from feeling empowered to having to apologize over and over for doing nothing but try to work with what I was given (and saving his car from near-engine-failure due to having less than 50% of its required oil and that which was there was not liquid, but when I told him that during the day, he didn’t see why I was hassling him). I refused to drive his car since then and mine is still behind a 4 ft-high, 2-ft-deep wall of snow. This means I didn’t do the Aqua Aerobics I was so looking forward to since the last time I did it, 2 weeks ago, and I didn’t get to visit a church for Ash Wednesday and get a dirty forehead. I am in desperate need for Rx from Target and we need groceries and I should go to my semi-personal training…

But I don’t want to drive his car. The roads are bad enough without the pressure I feel under to keep his car pristine and, although I want groceries, a part of me feels resentful and frustrated by my limitations, the set-back, and the loss of freedom and feeling safe in my car. So maybe I’m projecting, but I also know that Peter didn’t care enough to make himself uncomfortable in order to give me freedom in a timely fashion. I understand not going out for Valentine’s Day, and not getting a card or flowers… I understand receiving just a good time together for our anniversary. Money’s tight, we’ve been spending plenty of time together… But… Well, sex isn’t the only way you can show affection, and I feel like he’s not trying. (As for that, I’ve been trying to send out signals, but -based on his responses during my impending and then very very short period- it appears that he is only interested if intercourse is possible.) So what was I hoping for? He could have done some of the unsanitary laundry (Stewie was using old laundry as a litterbox). He could have done a little to make my car easier to access, if not drive. He could have shoveled behind and around where he parks, so it’s less tricky. He could have given me a foot massage or given me time to mess with my RockBand avatar and practice before we started playing together. I had a card for him (a general I-Love-You, not specifically V-Day), but I never bothered to fill it out when I saw his attitude Saturday night and Sunday morning.

I know my being home puts additional pressure on Peter to stay employed. However, I continue to receive a paycheck, and I have a very specific set of plans for the future in order to make money and receive disability benefits if possible. Maybe he can help me do the laundry, or clean the area around the kitchen sink, or give me some cash (I have none right now) so I can either pay someone to dig out my car or get a taxi ride. Or maybe he can call the psych group and have them give him an appointment for individual counselling so he might start to be content.

I know that what I really want is to ***POOF*** get my body back to a reasonable weight (sub-140) and have the physical ability to work out the way I want to. I want to teach and then come home and do very little in order to make the house gorgeous and then sit back in my organized, gorgeous, comfy room. I want to be able to enjoy my husband and have him enjoy me. I want to be able to get pregnant and enjoy that pregnancy and then that baby and then, a year or two later, get pregnant again. I want a family and a life. But between migraines, fibro pain, and transport issues, I’m currently living the life of a shut-in (but without the perks of the occasional visitor). 

But right now, just asking for a balance of household responsibilities, and the occasional ”Thank you, I know X was a pain in the butt, so I really appreciate you taking the time and energy to do it,”  is what I need to do…

Since 2002, A Math Teacher was who I was, and any other applicable definition was secondary, if not imaginary. Since graduating college, the whole of my energies was focused on shaping minds, giving students tools for life, changing lives hopefully for the better. But in early December, my career was temporarily excised from my life, so that I could focus on “me” and get my Self in shape, so I could return better, stronger, faster… but I discovered that I had worked hard to ignore that Self. Who I was in Real Life had atrophied and I had to rebuild it. I had the technology. And I found the willpower. Unfortunately, I could not procure bionic parts. But I’m strengthening what I can, and I am reminding myself of all those subdefinitions:

I am:

• a full-fledged adult
• a daughter, sister, aunt, and not-too-in-law
• a wife who is learning to be a partner
• a cat-mommy of two Siamese, one of whom is “on the spectrum” (kitty version)
• a homeowner and neighbor
• a person who has to solve the puzzle
• a perfectionist who uses micro-planning and procrastination to disguise insecurity over not being perfect
• a person with very defined morals and personal rules
• a person who rarely judges others and finds them lacking
• a naive fool who, regardless of experience, is constantly surprised by others’ rule-breaking
• an American that, nevertheless, isn’t from around here (no matter where ”here” is), and never was
• a regular person (my dream since childhood) who has had the luxury of extraordinary experiences
• a psychiatric patient who took her life back and will accept the glitches that come my way as a result
• a person who lives with fibromyalgia and its ups, its downs, and its limitations
• a woman resculpting her curves to find her body once again (there was a reason I didn’t diet before my wedding: I wanted to look the way I looked 4 years later and 4 years earlier, which I did and I will again)
• a musician rediscovering her instruments and her love for music in all its forms (well, most of them)
• a collector of stories and a story-teller
• a student who will never learn enough
• a math/science geek
• a traveller
• a people-watcher
• a total klutz
• a silly, giggly, goof-ball
• a princess
• an actor in life’s play
• an altruist
• a person who lives for the sake of others when she cannot live for herself
• a person who does for others before she does for herself
• an advocate for people with disabilities
• a person that almost has never felt anger
• an educator (honestly, I randomly start teaching people about thread count in Bed, Bath, and Beyond when at loose ends like this)

I’m sure there are other things people can add to this. But these are the few things I have thought of, mostly in the order they occurred to me, as I sat here over the course of an hour. I miss teaching, and I will either return to the classroom part-time or, more likely, tutor as close to full-time as I reasonably can. But it feels good to be rediscovering who I am and who I can be when I’m not crippled by pain caused by constant overexertion.

I’m turning the dumping ground that is “my” room into a sitting room that will house my romance novels, education library, and electronics. Anything I don’t recognize or remember purchasing, I will look at as an exciting find rather than a distressing sign of ECT-induced damage (I can’t consider myself a victim of the ECT – it was a life-saving decision and I am getting some memories back and am not losing new memories… but that’s a whole other discussion). So what do I need to do sort through my past and reclaim My Room?

STAGE 1: Sorta Majora
I will go through everything that is all over the floor and my desk and put them in distinct areas.

1. Sewing and Knitting Materials – on top of the table, which against the wall and directly in front of the entrance
2. Clothing - back corner facing the door, behind the table, on top of an unexplored box that I believe holds some clothing.
3. Job-Acquisition Materials - in the top-most clear drawer(s), which is in front of the window, between the chair and the bookcase, diagonal from the door
4. Student work – in the bottom most clear drawer(s)
5. Random papers - in the cardboard perpendicular-sorting boxes on top of the drawers
6. Toys, Teaching Manipulatives, and Electronics - into a clear bin outside the room

STAGE 2: Sortae Minora
Once the mess is generally sorted into groups, I can start to find places for items.  The table can be removed from the room and put into the hallway (folded) or look like a desk in the guest room until we can move it downstairs so it can be a major part of the rec room in the basement.

1. Sewing and Knitting Materials all go into the bins that are in the basement, if there’s room, or into new bins (which are on sale at the supermarket or all over Target).
2. Clothing must be sorted into smaller groups and put away. If it fits and can be worn now, I need to find a place for it in the drawers or my closet. If it is for a special occasion, I can hang it in the closet in Peter’s room. If it is a size or two off, I will put it in storage with similar clothing. If it is unlikely I will ever wear it (like the tissue-paper-thin Old Navy tees), I will put it in a box which will go in the basement and will donate it to Goodwill along with other items that I don’t think I will wear again. 
3. Job-Acquisition Materials can be filed into the file-storage box I got at the supermarket today. Resumes of various ages, recommendations, college/university transcripts, copies of certifications, and even copies of old applications… all of it will go in that file box.
4. Student work will go in a second file box. I will have to be picky and I will have to be willing to throw things out.
5. Random papers will need to be sorted through. If they are craft-related, they’ll go with that stuff. If they instruct me in electronics, they will go in a file folder and be stored with electronics. If they are job-related, I will put them in a file-folder or a file-storage-bin. If they are records of purchases that are tax-related, I will put them downstairs with the tax prep stuff.
6. Toys, Manipulatives, and Electronics will be sorted. Electronics and small toys will go into the colorful set of drawers I have sitting in the kitchen and, if necessary, some cute colorful bins from Target. The clear drawers (which had held the various papers I’d just removed) will go downstairs into the rec room. Manipulatives that are in bins can be stacked downstairs by the drawers or go into the clear drawers. Our family games will also go downstairs into the rec room or living room (depending on Peter’s preferences), along with the games that we keep in Peter’s room.

STAGE 3: Preliminary Work-Space Set-Up

1. Education-related books will be rearranged to display ALL my math and education-reference books as well as any books that I’d make copies from. I will need another bookcase or some special bins in order to store it all. Curriculum, textbooks, and worksheets will have to go downstairs to the rec room along with most of the manipulatives.
2. Desk drawers and organization products will be completely reorganized, my set of little colored drawers will come up to help with organizing CDs, etc. so that the desk top is clear. I will bring my large laptop up and keep it there.

Stage 4: Comfort and Decor Set-up
Part of reclaiming the room is making it a haven to retreat to. This will be the funnest stage and will take the longest.

1. The armchair and ottoman will be clear of everything, except maybe a comfy throw or extra pillow, and ready to be sat in.
2. Novel bookcases will move from the guest room into my room, along the wall that once held the clothing-box and table, and I may add more high shelving so I can display all my snow globes and coaches. This will help make the guest room project easier.
3. Artwork will be displayed. Possibly the watercolor of Venice my parents gave me (they got it on their honeymoon, which I had stowed-away on as a fetus), if Peter doesn’t like it. Otherwise, my funny-bunny poster and/or a set of round mirrors of varying sizes that is currently selling for under $20 at Target.
4. Purses may be displayed vertically along one wall on special hooks, if I can find room and manage it, at least for my favorites. 

Steps 5+: Items From Elsewhere
I have stuff from my previous jobs that are in the kitchen and my car. I also will move the printer/fax/scanner down to the basement and bring the other electronics (which are currently in the living room) upstairs.

It sounds exhausting, but it’s doable with time and help with the heavy lifting. The first step will be hard, but if I don’t try to do any of Step 2 during that step, I’ll get through it in a day. The second step will take a while, but it is essential to making the room and my stuff useable and managable for the long run. I’m determined not to rush to Step 4 until I at least get through Steps 1 and 2, and I can think about it a little, but Steps 5+ will be so much easier if I do steps 2 and 3 thoroughly without jumping ahead.

UPDATE 2/3/10 @ 7:40pm: It looks like I’m going to have to leave Step 1 as it remains after the little sorting I did today and move to Step 2. If I get Part 1 (the craft supplies) and Part 2 (clothing) done tomorrow, I can clear off the table, move the clothing tub partially blocking the doorway, and remove the table from the room, so I have more room to work.

On Friday, I visited the school I’m currently on leave from, met with the principal, visited the math department, and met my new long-term-sub.

My principal is very understanding but told me that he felt he had to put me on the “First Year’s I Don’t Intend to Keep” list, due to my significant absences. However, he will keep me on this year as long as the sick leave bank pays for my being out (so I need to be reapproved every 20 school days, for up to 100) and  if I do return and perform exceptionally well, that may change. I was very happy he was that honest. Regardless, he also does not anticipate a part-time position being available next year, so I will probably be looking for another position internally and externally for next school year.

The principal also gave me “my” second semester schedule, which includes only 1 co-taught class and added a section of Personal Finance (which is extremely well planned-out, so I just have to make copies and deliver the material). Seeing my classroom, seeing coworkers, and meeting my newest long-term sub (the last sub got a full-time full-benefits position elsewhere so he started with the semester this past week). Since the chemistry teacher’s  back from maternity-leave, her sub was given to my classes and they seem to be in good hands.

The principal and my department head were both extremely clear about the one essential thing that decides my date of return, be it March 1st (half-way through 3rd quarter, with Spring Break at the end of the month as a nice breather) or mid-April (the start of 4th quarter): I must be able to have 100% attendance. Any short-cuts that can minimize my stress are okay, but I must grade things on-time, maintain communication with parents, follow-through, and have a strong classroom presence.

That gave me a lot to think about. Afterwards, rather than going to the gym as planned, I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Target and shopped for 4 hours. Then I finished cleaning the Laundry Room floor free of sticky detergent and carried in and down a 6-foot folding table, garbage can, and 3 laundry bins, successfully creating a useable and comfortable laundry center. Saturday, I was FAR less achy than expected.

After having slept 12 hours last night, I tested my auditory strength. In other words, I turned on the dishwasher and hung out in the living room. Unfortunately, despite all the sleep I had had and all the progress I had otherwise made, I still went into auditory overload in 20 minutes and went upstairs and turned on my iPod and lay in bed. Four hours later, I woke up to Peter calling to say he’d be home from his Magic prerelease event shortly. I still have a headache and am feeling like my ears hurt. After that, I’m losing hope that I can have the tools I need to return to teaching 30 social teenagers even by April.

Before I return, I’ll have to:

1. work on CBT to minimize auditory overloading (in addition to my other CBT goals),
2. put myself in positions in which I’ll have to cope with uncomfortable, changing sounds for long periods of time, and
3. spend a week or two transitioning in as a last-chance test.

I miss teaching so much it hurts, like an ulceration of my soul. I’m not even tutoring right now, which I did while I was working on curriculum in a cubicle last school year. I’m back to being a student in my dreams, now, and am having nightmares almost every time I sleep about can’t-remember-what-classes-I-have-when and behind-on-my-work. 

So I’m going to email my psychologist (and myself) my CBT goals for the next month-plus so I can return to teaching, which are:

• Be in touch with my body’s aches and pains
• Find a way to avoid channeling frustration/stress/anger into my body
• Purposefully tune out body pain and not transmit it into emotions
• Believe that, most of the time, my “Good Enough” is spectacular and perfection is to be avoided
• Minimize auditory overloading or desensitize myself in some way

I will also apply to internal openings, and get my resume together for external openings. The Sick-Leave-Bank application for the month of February is in the mail. In addition, I’m going to go to the gym at least 4 days this week.

This week, I’m also going to work on my room to the point that the floor can be walked on, the table can be removed, and the desk is clear. I will also be organizing/clearing the vanity in the master bathroom.

And, yes, I’ll still have time to rheuminate over how much I miss being an educator. I always do.

Well, there are three pains keeping me awake right now, yet again.

Number 3: I got my first cavities in my last teeth. In other words, my wisdom teeth are so far back in my mouth that it can be painful to brush them and I wound up with a cavity in two of them (upper right and lower left). I’ve never had a cavity before, so I’m scared, even though they say it’s no big deal and just small surface cavities… I know fillings crack, fall out, the tooth can rot behind the filling and it may need to be redrilled, and I know I’ll continue to have problems with my wisdom teeth because they’re tiny, craggy, and really really far back. But the dentist refuses to pull them as requested and instead is filling them. Ugh.

Number 2: Money. I just spent $5000 between my dentist, old bills from my hospitalization (they sent 12 bills for different days, but the same amount, as well as 8 additional bills and I misunderstood and only paid 1), and car insurance. Our master bath needs to be fixed. We need to keep eating and living in our home and doctors and meds keep costing money. I’m trying not to worry – money from my grandmother will cover that $5000 – but… well, I’m trying not to worry.

Number 1: Physical Pain. Yet again, I can’t sleep because I’m in too much pain. Heat is too overwhelming for the upper back and vicodin wore off. I think it’ll be 1 more vicodin and a few lidocaine patches so I can go back to sleep. Tomorrow, I may just stretch at home and get what sleep I can and wake at noon for my various appointments. I worry that I’ll have to clean up the guest room enough so that I can use it on days when it hurts to think that my motions are limited or I might get any physical pressure on any body part due to pillows, cats, or a stray, lovingly cuddly limb. <sigh>

This is really screwing with my attempts to achieve better sleep hygiene.

Luckily, I’m exhausted and nearly ready to apply that lidocaine, take a vicodin, and curl into bed with my hubby and kitties.