I feel pretty crummy, but I don’t know what’s wrong. I just don’t feel quite right. I had to cancel today’s appointment with my personal trainer and tomorrow’s shopping outing. I figure, if I feel this horrible with nothing tangible attached (other than a vague “creaky” feeling, which would feel better if I just exercised a little), I won’t get better overnight.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been sleeping so poorly: I can’t get comfortable enough to fall asleep at a reasonable hour (after plenty of winding down and rituals and lavender-and-chamomile scentedness), I can only sleep when I’m absolutely exhausted and, then, I keep waking up at least every hour.  Even naps have been sucking big sweaty donkey balls. My doctor suggested having a set nightly bedtime and moving to the guest room as soon as I start having trouble. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that’s where the litterbox is and it would be easier to try to convince my husband to sleep there (which we’d both hate – I cherish the 5.3 minutes of quiet talking before he is suddenly unconscious, and he cherishes the soft mattress, many pillows, and the freedom of having a boobie within arm’s reach all night).

I’m back to the level of non-conscious bodily discomfort I was at months ago, where I start feeling nauseous until I realize I have to use the bathroom and I’m having trouble maintaining my body temperature (I feel hot-cold-hot-cold-hot…).

Maybe I’m sick. Maybe it’s a UTI. Maybe I need more/better sleep. Maybe I just need some not-overly-strenuous exercise.

But right now, I’m finally feeling nauseous enough to want to use the bathroom and then make my way to bed. And poor Stewie’s finally so comfortable in my lap. Oh, well – life’s hard for a pimp-cat.

A lot has changed since the last post, and a lot has stayed the same.

Over the past five weeks, I have been working out with a Personal Trainer who has a lot of experience with helping people with fibromyalgia, or have other issues with chronic pain. I have more energy and strength, sleep more at night, and I have a visibly different shape. I’m also now seeing cheekbone shading, a more defined collar bone, and an omega-shaped ridge below my ribs that is the start of a 6-pack (not that I ever expect one). Unfortunately, my weight has stayed roughly the same (approx. 8 lbs lost) and measurements vary (for example, my butt is more toned, but is raised and rounded, which can raise my hip measurements)… so I’ve gotten a digital caliper and a scale that approximates body fat and water retention through electrical currents. That way, I can monitor improvement in other ways and hopefully not get into a funk.

I started out doing teeny little exercises designed for arthritic nonagenarians, including sitting on a stability ball and 15 minutes on a recumbent elliptical machine on least resistance, but each time we met we ramped it up. Two weeks ago, we hesitantly tried 8 reps on each of a few arm machines. Now, I warm up with 30 minutes on the recumbent elliptical at 150% the original pace. Then, I do a circuit of nautilus-style machines for arms and legs, 2 sets of 12 reps each, with the first set on a new, higher weight and the second set using only (just over) half the weight to stretch the muscle.  Finally is ball work, both using a stability ball and a 4-lb medicine ball to do crazy stuff like putting my legs on the stability ball (to up the effort) and making a “bridge” with my back, raising myself 10 times from just barely touching the floor, then 10 from half-way, then squeezing my tush 10 times, then removing the ball to make it a standard bridge so I can move my knees apart and back together 10 times. Another favorite, since it works my triceps, neck, and abs, is when I hold the medicine ball above my chest with both hands, and then bring it backwards, behind my head, all while I keep my belly button in and have my legs atop the stability ball (again, to increase the effort and effectiveness). To target the lower abs, I dig into the stability ball with my heels and bring my hips up and knees all the way to my chest, in two sets of 12. Finally, we do some seated stuff on the ball, using the medicine ball to do bicep curls and rotate my torso to target my obliques, and maybe even toss a medicine ball back and forth for a funner version of oblique work, and finally try balancing on the Bosu.

For the past 2½ weeks, I’ve been on the 5-day diet, but I’m switching back to the 7-day diet so that I can continue to lose weight. I think I’ll stay on it through the summer, with the occasional meal “off” (perhaps 1 dinner/week and 1 breakfast+lunch/week) that will allow me to share more with my husband, while I slowly push back my meal schedule or allow me to nix a meal that doesn’t look right or just doesn’t appeal. I need the structure to help me continue to lose weight. But my relationship with food has certainly changed. I’m no longer in search of food when I’m in pain or upset, and I no longer fantasize about meals. I just see it as fuel… the input of my daily biological function… with the rare difference being that I “munch” on grapes and sometimes sweets call to me, although last night was the first time I gave in over the past 8 weeks, and that was only after calculating the amount of energy I’d used and the amount I’d ingested. But I really really want to get closer to a “normal” weight. In a perfect world, 40 lbs more. Ideally, 25 lbs more. But I’ll accept at least doubling the weight loss I’ve had over the past 2 months.

Aside from the physical changes, I’ve also been much more social. I joined a local Catholic church that has an extremely large congregation (1,500 families or so) and have signed up for information on joining various small groups (of which there are many) that do good works, study the bible, or organize events. My husband and I have also socialized together with couples whose male counterparts play Magic with him. First, we ate lunch out, saw Toy Story 3 in IMAX 3D, and then went out to dinner at a Filipino restaurant with a slowly growing group. The following weekend, his friend had a belated housewarming party, and I met an entirely new group of people… although I didn’t feel all that comfortable and had a bad headache (mini-migraine), we stayed for 4 hours. Yesterday, both groups combined (plus many, many more), for a 40th-birthday-bash / Independence Day celebration. We were there for over 7 hours and I had a great deal of fun, meeting many people and getting to know others better. I am very hopeful for a more social future for both myself and my husband, together and separately, which is awesome.

Finally, I am getting more and more people becoming fans of the Facebook page for my tutoring business and I got very serious interest from a mother of a student with a disability who was going to homeschool him and needed a math teacher (5 hours per week!). Even if she does not choose to go with me, I have hope that I will get enough students to get by. I just need to get through the summer, focusing on wellness, family, friends, preparation, and hobbies.

Approximately four weeks have passed since my last post and so very much is milling around my mind to write about that I am writing this post just to recognize all that I will talk about when I can:

• The bathroom is finished. Finally. It’s beautiful and not completely moved into yet, but being fully used. It was completed Friday night, at 11pm on the 23rd, and we began to use it Sunday evening. I will be fully accustomed to it after everything has been put away for a while… so, in a month or so.

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  
• The front of our home is no longer a jungle. Perhaps over-pruned, but I can plant at my leisure. It was a gift from my mom.
• L.A. was wonderful. We had really needed to get away from life and enjoy ourselves. I enjoyed connecting with my brother and even got to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and find out just how very much we both have in common (poor guy). It was also wonderful getting to know Grandma Susie better and meeting Grandpa Bernie and their dog, Patsy, for the first time. Since Grandpa Bernie is extremely hard-of-hearing and is not connected to the internet, I have purchased stationery so that I can correspond with him by letter writing. Seeing my in-laws was also nice, although some comments from my husband’s sister went beyond her usual unthinkingly-self-involved zings into personally-cruel territory and I was very proud of myself for neither physically nor verbally attacking her (or even commenting on it to her). The call-her-on-it-and-get-into-a-hysterical-argument gene comes from both sides of my family on X chromosomes (and appears to only get diluted if a Y chromosome is present), as my little brother pointed out, which made me feel even prouder. Someone must have made her more aware of her need to be a little more sensitive, because she didn’t say anything rude at me after that. Overall, it was a wonderful place to visit, and I wish we could fold the globe into the 4th dimension so I could visit my adoptive grandparents and my baby brother far more often, but I would not want to live in a plastic, prop-filled world.
• I’m trying to get my business of the ground. The website is live and it has a facebook page. I have people saying they will send business my way (including the admissions director of a private school for LD students, a parent of two former students, another parent of a summer student, and the head of a local psych group). I have a now-clean rec room with attached powder room that now has matching “powder room” and “laundry room” signs so those doors can stay closed, a soon-to-be-assembled book shelf and computer desk, a printer stand/filing cabinet, a printer/copier/scanner, a soon-to-be-hooked-up computer and soon-to-be-delivered comfy waiting area furniture. A table upstairs will be brought down for tutoring purposes. The kitchen floor is now clear of boxes and junk and soon the surfaces will be too, so that I can advertise to neighbors a low-cost 3pm-5pm homework help time (to drum up business and make nice with them).
• I’m doing eDiets home-delivery to get rid of a chunk of weight. They guarantee 10 lbs in 5 weeks. In addition, I’ve joined the local gyms and pools, which was a package deal that also gives me more access to community events and activities (to shmooze and make friends). Just spending the past week preparing for the diet has had me lose 1.2 lbs.
• I want a dog. Peter does not. The best reason he has is that my health may one day improve greatly, making FT work possible, which is not conducive to dog-ownership. However, I know a dog would get me walking several times a day, every day, and we could get well or be ill together… I am hoping to foster a senior/adult dachshund. Peter thinks bringing anyone new into the household would be hard on the cats. But me being alone all day and dependent on Peter for amusement (as well as every project that I do, which all seem to involve heavy lifting to some degree) is hard on everyone. Also, doing obedience or agility or just a dog park with the dog would be another way to meet people. Since the summer is a slow time for tutors AND I’m limiting myself to 2 hrs/day of work, and I need an interactive project to keep me from obsessing over buying stuff or food or whatever else I could possibly obsess about, and I’m so incredibly lonely, I think this is the perfect solution.  So, I’m filling out long online paperwork, hoping a good match is out there and that Peter will give in if the house is clean enough and he’s getting enough of what he wants. We’ll talk about it seriously during our couple’s-counseling session Monday (along with the fact that we BOTH HATE that I am so dependent on him to do things that will enable my projects, so I don’t push, but it hurts me when he shows such disinterest in helping with getting my business started or clearing out communal space when I’ve already put a lot of work into it, but he needs some down time and relaxation time because he does work a 40-hr week, which is also why I am okay with him spending so very much time out of the house playing Magic: The Gathering with his friends, even though I am desperate for attention), and he’ll see this sometime before then so it won’t blind-side him.

So, that’s about it. A lot going on, all in a tiny span of time and all making laps around the inside of my tiny, youth-hat-sized skull.

Yes, life is frustration, and most people are dealing with frustration of some sort 24/7/365.25. But the life of someone who wants to, but doesn’t want to, and who can, but also cannot, can be especially frustrating. Especially when the whole “wanting to” part is relatively new.

I want to be a productive member of society. I want to actively be a teacher. I want to be a wife. I want to be able to get pregnant and be a mommy. Heck, I want to be able to say definitively that I will be able to do a specific activity or be at some place on a particular day and time. I want to look at the future and not see a thick grey mist of uncertain possibility, of plans that -however tenuous, or however many counter-balances are put into effect- could easily fall apart. When I was a child, the future was a bright glaring white light of potential realities all vying for my preference. As a teenager, the future a dark murky thing I wasn’t sure I was up to dealing with. In my 20s, I thought that determination and fortitude and focus could make anything happen. I’m hitting a point where I don’t believe that. I’m seeing resources as finite; my energy, my patience, my mental clarity, my physical stamina, my time, my money, all have a limit and I can see those limits.

The old me would just type in those given parameters and calculate my life and plans. The new me, the one that actually sees all the life I want to be (and look forward to one day) experiencing, keeps getting frustrated by the fluctuating nature of my limits and the consequences that I don’t foresee. For example, after helping Peter carry in some boxes two weeks ago, I still have too much pain in my fingers to be willing to frustrate myself by attempting to play my lovely, dusty, out-of-tune piano. Another example is the fact that if I go to Lowe’s and Food Lion for short-ish trips, I may be okay and it may even raise my activity tolerance if I keep it up, but if I go one extra aisle or carry one extra bag or then try to do the dishes that night… well, I’m done for a couple of days.

The trick is keeping up a very consistent, ever-so-slightly-increasing amount of activity. I see that, I understand that, but I don’t see how it is possible.

Life-activities, for example, are not exactly things that occur on a daily basis. The laundry can be done one or two loads a day, I suppose… especially the not-so-sanitary cat-enhanced laundry from months ago. I don’t go grocery shopping every single day, and I can’t go walk around stores pushing a cart and NOT buy things every other day of the week. If I drive more on one day than usual, especially in traffic, my right leg will get cramps. If I’m stressed, my neck will be stiff and possibly help trigger a migraine. Doing the dishes is very difficult, especially if there are many dishes, due to the height of the sink, my height, and the relative height of the dishwasher.

And what about weekends? The fact alone that I am intending to share my time and energy with another person changes everything…What about the fact that my IBS/meds cause me to not poo for weeks and then spend a full 24-48 hours first getting the blockage out of the way and then eventually running to the bathroom 5 minutes after I ingest anything, which causes significant muscle cramping from simple use?

And then there’s cleaning, cat-care (yes, petting my cats requires a certain amount of physical endurance), typing (less frustrating because there is a delete key and no set rhythm, yet still taxing on my fingers), keeping up with the bills, making sure that my school district and I are on the same page (although I’m certainly fine now with whatever that page winds up being), taking care of whatever my husband may need from me, keeping my mind active…

I guess I’m just thrown off by how sick my husband is and the fact that I know I’ll be trapped in the house all day for 2 weeks, once the bathroom renovation gets underway. I still have some things that need doing before that happens. I’m also leaving myself projects to do while it happens, as well.  I had plans for this weekend – very small plans, yes, but plans nonetheless – to de-junk and clean the guest room this weekend. Monday, I’d contact the contractor and set things up to start the following Monday and ask what I need to do to be ready for demolition (so clothing in the closets and the rest of the master bathroom isn’t in ruins), make an appointment at the salon(s) for mega-waxing, a facial, a partial-highlight & trim, a pedicure, and possibly a spray-tan in 2 weeks or so (it will probably take several visits to get all that done), and visit Target to get 2 new comforters for the guest room and white sheets. Instead, I’ll be gutting tomorrow and Monday and buying what bedding I can online (at least there’s a teacher discount). I may even do some dishes if my husband isn’t up to it, because we’re out of spoons and I need my yogurt.

In addition, on Monday, I’m starting a very basic, light workout program using my exercise ball (which I’ll have to inflate). I’ll start with 10 reps a day for each exercise and increase that by 5 reps every two or three days. I’ll also wear a pedometer all day every day and do either 2 loads of regular laundry or 1 load of icky laundry each day. My goal is to lose over 5 lbs in 4 weeks (starting Wednesday, March 31, when I put my diet into firm action), and be able to comfortably, easily fit into my pretty new dresses when I go a-visiting:

My New Dresses from Heartbreaker Fashions

My mother visited this week. She arrived Sunday, Pi Day, the day after my 30th birthday, and stayed until this evening. Almost exactly 5 full days of being silly, eating delicious food, reminiscing, and – oh yeah – tons and tons of cleaning up my life.

Monday, my mother and I cleaned out my study (and what had spilled into the hall). Even the books that I was planning to bring downstairs, she brought downstairs. It was amazing, the lifting and carrying – and this was only the beginning! The only mess left over is the paperwork and CDs and such on my desk, and the table is still up there but, for now, it’s welcome.

Tuesday, we cleaned all my stuff out of my classroom. It was stressful and sad, and it was so much easier having my mom with me. Then we went to the mall, checked out Nordstrom’s, bought some little things at Sephora and got my birthday gift, and… we purchased new eyeglasses! I know that doesn’t sound huge, but if you wear glasses every day and haven’t gotten a new pair in 4 years, it’s a big deal. I got the same shape I had before, but in blue with some silver accents. My mother got a pair, too: wire-rimmed tortoiseshell glasses that are very round on bottom and somewhat round on top. She says they’re Daniel Jackson from “Stargate: SG1″ glasses, not Harry Potter glasses. My first reaction was that they looked silly, but I got used to them quickly and they look very nice on her oval face.

Daniel Jackson from Stargate: SG1

Wednesday, my mother and I tackled the bathroom renovation. We first visited a high-end tile store and found a perfect tile for the shower and floor and a mosaic tile I really liked, too. They gave us a sample of the tile and we went to Home Depot to look at pre-assembled vanities and linen cabinets, as well as prefabricated counters. Not only did we find them in clearance, but they were just perfect for the tile and the room.

cabinetry

Then, we found tiles that were the same color for 1/5 the price and a similar, but less dark, mosaic tile! It took hours and I was exhausted and just sat down in pain half-way through, but the comparing of similar tiles, selecting the edging tile (which is marble), and just finding what I was hoping for was sooooo worth it, and it would have taken me weeks and left me feeling dissatisfied if I hadn’t had my mother with me.

Due to my pain and flagging energy, I asked my mom to stay an extra day so we could actually spend time enjoying each other and doing things at a more leisurely pace. Luckily, she could stay! So, Thursday, we went sneaker shopping and my mother spent nearly an hour taking every single box and bag and random piece of clothing out of my car and down into the basement, where I will be setting up a room for tutoring and waiting (for parents) / game-playing (for friends who we have over).

I have been driving around with 2 classrooms and 1 cubicle in my car since leaving my PT job tutoring special needs college students in October 2008 for an “amazing” opportunity to head up math curriculum for a national virtual charter school (an alternative to, or version of, homeschooling). I have felt homeless and embarrassed of my situation and it (along with my study) was an albatross I dragged around for years, adding to it, letting it spill into my kitchen to make room for groceries…

I can’t even put into words the freedom and hope my mother has given me, just by helping me with all this. I can totally handle the other projects in my life now that this has been sorted out and dealt with. The bathroom stuff was fun and helpful, but the cleaning up of my – well, of my life, really – was such an incredible weight off my shoulders, I get teary just thinking about it. I feel such hope about being a functioning professional special ed math tutor, with room to have a personal life.

Thursday afternoon and Friday, my mother and I just had fun and watched some episodes of “The Big Bang Theory,” including the newish episode of Sheldon getting stuck trying to solve a problem involving electrons moving through a graphite surface (I believe), the episode in which Penny dislocates her shoulder and Sheldon drives her to the hospital, and the episode in which Leonard’s mom first comes to visit.

I dropped her off at the local Amtrak, but I miss her already. Yes, having a close friend nearby would be nice, but it wouldn’t take the place of the wonderfulness of a visit from my mommy. I wish we could just spend a day together every week, or a weekend each month. However, I still haven’t managed to fold the Earth into the 4th dimension so that travel time would be inconsequential. Unfortunately, we’re both on our best behavior, because visits are rare…We love each other, but we can drive each other bananas. If we lived near each other, tears would be shed, neither of our husbands would be able to put up living with us, and killing sprees might not be an impossibility.

So, thanks to my mother, who cleaned up my study, my classroom, my car, and filled my basement (and my husband, who cleaned up my computer and loves all of me, including my craziness), I now start my 4th decade full of hope and excitement over all the possibilities.